Q: Fran Asks:
Dear Coach, I am in my early 40s, and so is he. We have been dating for a number of months. I like him and he seems to like me. My friends tell me that he is very much into me, but I am not feeling it. He doesn’t call much and he doesn’t seem eager to see me. Instead we seem to have settled into a routine and there seems to be not much excitement. What can I do? ~ Fran
A: Coach Rinatta answers:
Fran, when a man’s into you he will call and be eager to see you. Since he’s not, he may not be that into you. Perhaps he’s dating you because you are easy to be with, nice enough or safe. If you want to form a relationship based on those feelings, great. But if you continue forward with this relationship as it is, you could ultimately feel as if you are missing out.
Let me explain more. People are typically on their best, most romantic behavior at the start of a relationship. So what you are seeing right now is his best behavior towards you. And you feel like something is missing! This means as you go forward, you will either feel the same, or as if even more is missing.
Some people believe that as a relationship deepens there will be more romance, more affection, and this is true, but only when there is romance and affection and “into each other” feelings to begin with.
If your relationship continues, the two of you might even get married, but the relationship will be based on milk toast sort of feelings about each other. You will likely not reach the “in love” stage in this relationship. And if that is OK with you, keep going, because you may develop a steady, safe relationship. But, if you are already craving more, consider how much more you will crave as time goes on.
As to what you can do, the answer is – not much. You cannot make someone more into you. You cannot change who you are dating, nor can you change his or her feelings. Sure, you can pay him more compliments, do more for him, accommodate him more, give him more and ask for less. And he might fall in love with those actions or words, and that may make him stick around more. But his feelings for YOU will not change, so his behavior change will be temporary.
Here are a couple of things you can try to shake up your situation:
Consider spending less time with him. Skip those dates and events where you feel particularly unwanted and have more of a sense of being settled. For example, I would not watch TV with him, as you are not an old married couple yet. I would eat in less and go out more. And if he ever seems bored with you, I would immediately make an excuse and end the date.
If you spend less time with him and remove yourself when he’s not appreciating you, he might notice that he misses you and reach for you more. Or, he may notice that he’s fine with less time with you. In either case, you will have more information and can make a better choice on what to do next.
You deserve to be with someone who’s very much into you. If you try my suggestions and nothing changes with your current man, you may want to end the relationship and find another who’s more into you.
If you want help attracting a partner who’s very much into you, try working with me as your coach. Learning to attract the right partner is achievable and one of the more important ways in which I coach my clients.