Research has discovered that we experience emotional pain as physical pain. This means that when you are experiencing heartache, your heart actually does hurt – well, perhaps not your heart, but something in your body does hurt, and badly. You know this already, because when you feel heartache or anxiety or frustration, it hurts.
In my practice I have noticed people often have a very low tolerance for the pain of heartache – they want to make it go away as fast as possible. And this is understandable. When you have a headache, you want to take an aspirin; and if your body hurts, you want to rest, sleep or go to the doctor to find out what’s wrong.
It’s true – physical pain often does indicate something is wrong with our bodies. Emotional pain is different however, even if we experience it physically. The best way to deal with emotional pain is to feel it, without making it better, because great gifts are on the other side of feeling that pain.
In order to understand exactly what I mean, let’s first look at how we behave when we are in pain.
Since physical pain is indication of something gone wrong in the body, you might feel some anxiety or worry about having the pain. You may wonder if you are OK. You want the pain to stop, wonder if and when it will stop, and try to make a plan for how to end it.
Same thing happens with emotional pain. You may feel heartbreak or loneliness or even frustration and wonder if you are going to be OK. You feel anxiety about the pain and wonder if the pain will ever stop and if you are going to survive it.
The interesting thing is that you do survive it, every time.
Think about the last time you felt emotional pain.
Perhaps the last time was about a second ago, or perhaps a fairly long time, regardless, put yourself back there for a moment. Now let me ask you a question. Was your body OK while you were feeling that pain? Were any parts of you bleeding or falling off? Were you able to feel emotional pain, but still go to the bathroom, walk and talk?
Emotional pain is not like physical pain. It can be debilitating in that it can take away your desire to do things such as eat, walk, talk, function, but it does not prevent you from actually doing those things. While physical pain is sometimes a signal that something is very wrong, this is not exactly the case with emotional pain. That is why you do not need to be afraid of emotional pain. It is not going to kill you. It is not going to cripple you. It is not going to blind you. It does hurt, but with no real harm to your body.
Emotional pain is different from physical pain in another way. Physical pain often needs outside intervention to make it go away. You may need to take a pain reliever, change your diet, go see a doctor, have an operation, bandage the hurt part, etc. Emotional pain will go away if you feel it. Often you have to do nothing else. But if you do not feel, it can linger for a lifetime while you take many actions to avoid feeling it.
This means that when you feel anxiety about feeling heartache, and worry about how you are going to make it go away, and try to make plans about how you are going to alter circumstances and situations and people so that you stop feeling pain, stop. Remind yourself that nothing bad will happen if you feel pain, and it will subside after you allow yourself to feel it. You don’t need to do anything to deal with emotional pain. Instead, you need to be with it.
Deal with emotional pain by delving into it, making friends with it, feeling it until it stops and you are on the other end of it. If you able to do this, there will be gold on the other end.
Here is the gold at the end of emotional pain. Imagine the freedom you would have if you were no longer afraid of feeling emotional pain. If you were single you might be willing to get out there and date more, because you would know you could tolerate the pain of rejection and the pain of not meeting the right person. Or perhaps you would choose to be single and happy, knowing that you could tolerate the pain of loneliness.
If you were in a relationship that wasn’t going fast enough you would either be more patient because you knew you could tolerate the pain of waiting, or you would get out because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of letting go and being alone.
If you were married or in a long-term relationship, you would perhaps speak up for yourself more because you knew that you could tolerate the pain of your partner’s rejection or his or her displeasure with you. Or perhaps you would get closer to your partner because you knew that you could tolerate the anxiety you feel at allowing someone to get close to you.
If you were going through a breakup or a divorce you could allow the relationship to end because you would know you could tolerate the grief and sorrow of letting go and the temporary loneliness.
Do you see the power you could have over your emotional life if you were able to tolerate emotional pain rather than being afraid of it? It can be truly astounding how much easier and more peaceful life becomes when you are no longer afraid of feeling pain.
It’s true that no one wants to feel emotional pain, but as it is a part of life and unavoidable, better to know that you can tolerate it and get through it than to be afraid of it.
Now for the specifics of how to tolerate emotional pain.
Try the meditation below the next time you are suffering from heartache. But please keep in mind, this is only one tool in the vast set of tools for dealing with emotional pain. If the meditation below does not fit you, or does not help you feel better enough, I invite you set up a personal Problem Solver coaching session with me, where I will give you a set of tools to use specific to you and your pain.
Meditation instructions: You can use the meditation once a day, many times a day, or pick a favorite line and use it as constant mantra to help you cope with pain.
Or perhaps use this meditation as a template and create a few lines that fit your circumstances best. Feel free to leave your version below in comments.
(I have loosely based this meditation on meditations from the Blooming of a Lotus by Thich Nhat Hanh.)
Instructions: Read this to yourself slowly and breathe.
Feeling pain in my heart, I breathe in.
Suffering from the pain in my heart, I breathe out.
Feeling my heart breaking, I breathe in.
Feeling as if my heart will break in two, I breathe out.
Feeling the pain is too great to live with, I breathe in.
Feeling as if the pain is going to swallow me up, I breathe out.
Feeling hurt, I breathe in.
Finding hurt where I want love, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration and anger, I breathe in.
Feeling frustration and anger boiling inside, I breathe out.
Wanting things to be different, I breathe in.
Wanting to change him/her, I breathe out.
Wanting attention, I breathe in.
Craving attention, I breathe out.
Wanting gentle touch, I breathe in.
Wanting loving touch, I breathe out.
Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.
Feeling shame about my body, I breathe in.
Feeling that I am unlovable, I breathe out.
Feeling that no one loves me, I breathe in.
Suffering from not feeling loved, I breathe out.
Feeling frustration, I breathe in.
Feeling fear, I breathe out.
Being afraid that nothing will ever change, I breathe in.
Wanting love in my life, I breathe out.
Feeling fear that I will not have what I want, I breathe in.
Feeling fear and anxiety, I breathe out.
Noticing that I am OK, I breathe in.
Noticing that I am OK, I breathe out.
Do you want help dealing with your heartache or emotional pain? I am here to support and guide you in both learning how to tolerate your pain, but also in reducing it effectively. I would love to help you create a dating or relationship life that has as little pain as possible and is mostly full of happiness and love. Contact me for a coaching session now.
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It feels awful to whine, but it hurts so much. We have become study partners in nursing school, mostly because we have the same study habits and we get along so well. We laugh and talk alot about things not related to school and we work hard together on this thing that we both want to do. She’s so comfortable telling me about all of the very serious things in her life. She trusts me not to say anything to anyone else. If she were not married we may be able to be closer. I fell in love her and am happy that she has a wonderful home, things that keep her busy, people close to her and a man who seems to be taking good care of her. I could not give her the things that he can, the nice home in the country and the security she deserves.
Thank you for giving me permission to feel this pain. I guess that’s what I have to do. Embrace this heartache and hope that I can meet someone again who makes me feel the way she makes me feel.
I recently met and fell in love with a wonderful man. We had so much in common and I really thought this could be the one. He was so kind and talked about so many wonderful things we would do. He treated me so lovingly and then I started to feel him pull away. He wasn’t around as much, didn’t respond to my calls until the next day and didn’t feel enthusiastic to make plans with me. I asked him twice if there was someone else and he denied it, but that was how it was feeling. I would drive past his house on a Monday evening at 9:30 and his car would not be there. I mean, where are you at 9:30 on a Monday?? I would ask if he had a nice evening and he would not respond. Recently we had a disagreement and I was hurt by his behavior. He had not called me by 1:00pm and we had made plans to spend the day and I was waiting for him. When I sent him a text he said he had had too many beers out with friends the night before and forgot to call and that he was busy now but how about dinner later? Did I mention he is 46. Too many beers?? I had put the whole day aside and felt like I was being blow off. When I spoke to him later that day I was upset and asked about the behavior. He said he was bad at making plans and then mumbled something and hung up on me. I did not call him back. Not a week later when I drove past his house there was a strange car in the driveway at midnight and then again 2 days later that same car with laughing ( a girl’s) and music coming from the house. Why am I so heartbroken when obviously this person was deceiving me and has not given me a thought. I want to reach out to him so badly because I want another chance. I just cry every day. The pain is overwhelming. Why do I only think of the good times when his behavior is so obviously telling. Why do I lower my standards to hurt over someone who is already, 7 days later, sleeping with someone else. I really believe he cared for me, I don’t think it was fake. What happened in such a short amount of time? How do I make is stop hurting so badly?
Thank you so much.
Feelings are so difficult to understand.
My whole life I’ve tried to rationalize feelings. The only way I cope with negative feelings is by either rationalizing or repressing.
I’ve gone so far as not being able to recognize negative feelings because they’ve been respressed so deep I don’t even feel fear of pain, in other words, fell in a depression.
So I want to thank you again. I want to thank my boyfriend for headbutting with me in such a manner that I’ve googled ‘dealing with heartache’ and found this site.
It’s weird, I never realized how low my threshold for pain was. I always thought I was superstrong for enduring so much pain.
I’ve been heartbroken for a long time, n it wont jst go away. I had a boy friend, we use to be best friends before he started asking me out. He jst left me n wen i tried to find out what i did wrong he sed i did nothing; he jst didnt wnt to be wit me anymore. I’ve jst dropd out of skul bcos of some reasons, n all dis is hapnin. Its so painful..
I mean… the heartache really hurts and it has hurt me for long.. Being frustrated about the same thing the same person is driving me crazy- especially when I realise that it has been over one and a half year and I still cry for him tdy. That hurts so much and I could hardly concentrate or do anything when the feelings come. I just felt like what is inside me is breaking. I can’t move on. I remember every word he told me I remember every thing we did together. I don’t want to but the scenes just flow into my mind everyday. I want to let go but somehow I felt like I could never do it. I miss him everyday. I dont need anything to remind me of him. When I wake up, its him and when I sleep its him. I thought this wont sustain long but so happen it still go on until now. I would trade in anything if I could feel better. That hurts so much, much more than u can imagine. The heartache changes me and I miss who I am used to be. Sometimes, I just wish I could live in my fantasies becus the reality is way too cruel. Every night before I sleep, I just wish that I would feel nothing the next morning I woke up. But sadly, it never was.
KH, thank you for sharing. Have you considered using the suggestions in the article above? Or a coaching session so that you can get the relief you want?
…I’m just so confused & hurt. Just a week prior he was wearing the smile I fell in love with, telling me that he knew how he was going to propose, & how he knew how the whole sinerio would play out when he did… If you could see the way he smiles… … … We’re on a break as of Tuesday morning. I haven’t texted or called. I’m doing my best to give him the space he’s asked for. I’ve never been on a “break” before, but I know now that I will never do this to someone. It’s so painful. The uncertainty, & longing, & the simple absence of my best friend… I’d forgotten to eat this week until a very dear friend set food in front of me yesterday. I don’t know how long he needs… I only know that it hurts… … … :’(
& Everyone thinks they know how I should feel… I was told that I had to get angry & hold on to the anger… No. I am not angry. I’m sure that I will experience the full spectrum of emotions but they will be mine & for reasons only I may understand. I don’t know yet if our relationship is over. I only know that with each passing heartbeat I loose another little piece of hope. I love him… unconditionaly. If his decision is to break up it will hurt, I’ll remain grateful for the experience, & it will take time to find interest in getting back out there…
Thank you all for sharing. This has helped me start another day.
Hey, really sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I find hope that as much as I think my situation is unique, I learn more and more that it’s really not. There is a clear pattern that we all go through. I look back at harsh breakups where I felt I would never recover and I feel zero emotional charge now. Not numbness, just nothing. Totally healed and stronger. It’s what’s helping me get through this current situation I’m in. Still seriously painful, but I have complete faith it will pass and I have complete faith your pain and suffering will pass.
Dear Lost, thank you for sharing. Sometimes relationships change seemingly out of the blue. That’s why it’s extremely important to be present in a relationship, so that you know at all times what is going on. As Reno said below, you will be ok eventually no matter happens, even if you don’t feel that’s possible right now.
But a part of becoming ok is understanding exactly what happened. I would work on that part to get a sense of relief and to get rid of the feeling that you are having a nightmare.
Dear Coach, thank you for posting this article. It’s helped a lot to be reminded to breath deep, drink water, & eat. I am not the best at remembering to eat when life seems chaotic. Also, wow. It does feels like a nightmare. My dreams are of his smile, his banter, his smell, his… everything. So it does feel that being awake is the nightmare… I am puzzled however, by your statement about being “present”. I am certain that it does not apply in my current situation but I am definitely able to see how it applies to relationships in general. Yet, “what happened” & also acceptance are pivotal needs in my healing processes. It’s been over a week & articles such as this have been very instrumental in assisting me to think a little more clearly.
Thank you too, Reno. You captured it exactly. I’m sorry too that you’re going through your current situation and you’re right. The hurt will pass.
Thanks again yall.
the pain hurts. I read all the comments and it felt like i was reliving my relationship all over again. I trusted a female once in my life and was let down. shit happens. Im now numb and dont have the balls to commit suicide so i risk death everyday in the streets. My family and friends all look at me crazy and wanna kno where did i go wrong. i wish i could open up and tell them. I wish i could open up to another girl instead of hiding behind my keyboard right now but i dnt have any hope for love or my future. I dont give a damn about anything anymore and i wish I could care again but its clear i will never be the same
I’m pleasantly surprised how many men are sharing their emotions on this article. I’m a bit ashamd to write this myself but it took me 8 years to get out of my first relationship — that man was the love of my life and I could never bare to be without him — but to most people’s shock, I was the one who ended that relationship because I could see the future of that relationship was not fruitful to both of us. 8 years later, I fell in love again and this time again it was a long relationship as well, same sort of feelings and emotions and yet again, left broken hearted. One thing I do know is, this freakin SUCKS but I know if I could do it the first time around, I can do it again because I HAVE TO !!!! I am in the process of learning that I can never be responsible for my other half’s actions. All I can do is give my 100% and learn to accept that love has no obligations, expectations, fear, it is not ruthless, it is unconditional and always kind. I don’t deserve anything less than that. If he/she is not giving their 100%, take a step back and stop looking at them to complete you or make you happy. Search that happiness within you….one day at a time. I am struggling and struggling BAD but I’m not giving up !!!!!!!!!!! No matter how long it takes and how many tears and sleepless nights it takes…………I will have a control of my own life.
KB, there should be more people like you in today’s society. People think that they can date somebody to change them into what they want their man/woman to be, doesn’t work they way. I too am going through the same but with a shorter time span. Its been 1 1/5 now, she left me because she wanted to hangout with her ex’s without me being there and other red flags that i won’t mention. You hit the nail in the head. Love comes from within yourself. Some can find it by getting closer to God or whichever way they can find it. Good job!
I’m glad to find this I’ve never let my self ever fall in love untill she came along and really took me for surprise and now she up and left me I’m only 22 and everyone tells me I’ll find someone else but not as easy for me the breathe in and out part is really helping
Glad I came across this article, i needed to hear this. My boyfriend is pretending that he ended 4 years long relationship of ours since 1 week ago. In those 4years, I have seen it all, his lies, cheatings, name calling, anger, physical and emotional abuse….but each year we got better at dealing with this and we grew out of it…or at least I thought so. He comes from a very dysfunctional family with an alcoholic father and a mother who is head to toe in credit card debt, unhappy marriage and he was bullied all his life…..everything that he said his father did to them or his mother did to them….he has done it to me. He is very affraid of commitment and uses his friends and family against me all the time, who by the way never met me or have talked to me. Our last fight was not any reason to breakup; at least not from his side because it was his fault for disrespecting my religious belief after knowing my boundaries for 4 years, I guess as my friend said, “he was looking for an easy way out and he got it yet again”….I have been writing to him nonstop looking for answers and a closure……but I just read in one of the articles on this site, we hang onto them because we think they will come fix the hurt…….and that only delays our life plans for ourselves. If he decides he is wrong, he will come find me and if he doesn’t, I know I have stood by him in all his rough time. I helped him put through school emotinally, physically and financially……I have never lied or cheated on me and I have devoted my life to him….I know there are not that many loyal men or women out there and I love myself because I know all that I have done for him was nothing but genuine love. I miss him but I miss my self even more…my previous strong, level headed, goal conscious, career oriented, funny, smart, social, fashionista self……my kind, loving, respectful, calm and content self. I no longer want to look at him to complete me……from this day on, I’m going to learn to say “HELL NO”……
When i read about people who are wronged and looking for some consolation without their mistake. But in my case mistake was all mind. I cheated a guy 2 times use to look for new relationship whenever he used to break up all the while if used to wait for me. 3 years of on off relationship and 5 years of steady relationship the guy was completely loyal give up his every happiness , studies, family just to get me love him and i never gave a thought about his feelings. I was just to reckless and uncaring pretending i am independent and strong. I was rude to him, lied to him, made fun of him no of times. He just wanted love and trust. He used to shout a lot, doubt me as i lied often and sometimes beat me for all that. And i thought he was wrong to do all this. All if wanted was me completely and went to great length to ensure it. But after 5 years when if broke up to teach me a lesson for taking me for granted i flirted with another guy. We were all the time in long distance relationship. And now i am really sorry for all i ve done but if hates me. He’s talking to me but having another girl too. If wants me to tolerate it as he did before. He’s giving me taste me my own medicine. I know everyone will think this is all i deserve but trust me i didn’t understood a thing back then. I too struggled with right and wrong and my own feeling. Coming from a broken fatherless home didn’t make it easier for me. And now i can’t leave him as i ve realised i love him more than anything. So i am taking all rudeness, infidelty , from him to be with him and make him forgive me. I know things will be right but it’s pains a lot that i blew such a good relationship, hurt the guy i love most, and all that i am bearing is because of my own carelessness or wickedness as anybody will call it. All i wonder that how much that guy loved me to take me back everytime i did wrong and tried to correct me instead of giving up on me. Now when i feel this other girl i feel like killing myself. But i am trying to bear up. We’ll have to learn to accept pain and one run away from it. I was trying to do it all my life and look where am i?
He BEAT you??!?!?…. Then he’s no angel!
My advice would be learn from what you have experienced and start fresh with SOMEONE NEW!
From my experience,once a relationship is “broken”, it is VERY hard to fix permanently!. Sooner or later the same things/attitudes will surface again!
I always Ive been rejection ever scince Ive became interested in women. When I was grown up My step dad beat me up very bad both physicaly as well phsyilogy and there was race between me mystep sister and step bother for love and attention .and you know who finish dead last . It was me. By being rejected so many times I ask myself what is wrong with me!
I hurt so much right now. I put 110% into this relationship and believed, still believe, we have what it takes to be a strong healthy and happy couple. I’ve heard before that embracing emotional pain is the best way to cope and heal.
I lose even more hope for myself reading these comments. Its true, emotional pain may not kill you, but what it may cause you to do – might. Not having the mental tools to deal with these things is also detrimental. But I know what I have been through, I know many insane times I have tried and put in my all. However I will live my life, and do the best I can by myself, kick myself and then kick myself some more. But I have given up on the human race. That is all.
Don’t give up my friend. Realize that emotional pain DOES go away with time!
Turn this negative into positive. If you’re now alone, consider it as total freedom to do whatever you like in life, without permission from anybody!
I’m sure you have passions you were not able to pursue before that now with your freedom you can.
If you can turn yourself around and be happy without anyones help, sooner or later you WILL attract a HAPPY love into your life!
It’s way better to be single and temporarily lonely than being in a bad relationship not having the guts to breakout. Trust me this “guts” will make you soo much stronger and will help you avoid that situation again.
I too felt what you feel, and if I can do it- YOU CAN!!!!
I feel so fortunate that, as I searched for some words to ease my pain, I found these. Exactly what I needed to read right now. I suppose if one could die from emotional pain, I would be dead.
It would be inconceivable to me to go to incredible lengths to try to make someone believe that I loved them, and all the while carry on with other people. It is like this type of person is made of something different, and not at all in a good way. Beware of those that profess to great lengths that they value honesty, that they have integrity, etc. It very well could be a ruse.
I’m sure that this might have good results for alot of people, but you really need to consider the people who this could bring great harm to. I’m bipolar. I deal with emotional ups, downs, and whirlwinds you can’t control. When you say to just embrace the pain, the first thought in my head is “how can I off myself right now?” People suffering from depression don’t need to embrace emotional pain, they need to look past it and aim for something worth staying alive (in my case, my wife). If ever someone with a mental illness or depression were to read this and commit suicide, you’d be to blame. You’re walking a fine line sir, I hope you’re willing to face the possibility of severe consequence.
I found this advice really helpful. I too, am going through a hard time right now, after calling things off with my boyfriend of three months the other day. I feel so emotional right now, I will go from trying to fake happiness to crying and questioning why I ended it. It was plagued with trouble from the start, but I kept battling all of it, in the bid to prove that I could save our relationship. We lived about an hour apart from each other, but I always managed to get a train or he would drive down to see me. I always had major trust issues, as did he. We made special pacts together, one of them being the fact that I was unhappy with his weed use and with my family being so against it, I wanted him to try and stop. In the end, we agreed on the fact that he could carry on doing it, but that he would cut down a lot more and only do it when I was around so that I never had to worry about it. It was his idea in the first place, his promise. Well, little did I know, he’d carried on doing it behind my back numerous times and I never even knew until I discovered that he had. I don’t know why, being such a small thing you’d probably think that I would of forgiven him for only being human. Wrong. My gut reaction was to cross him out for lying to me and covering things up. I wish he’d told me from the start because how can I trust him now? He could say he was doing something (in any factor) and I’d still question whether he was being truthful or not.
And I wish I didn’t read into things this much, that I could see past it but I can’t. I really thought he loved and respected me as a person. I’ve never lied to him, not even once! And it makes me sick to think that he might be with another girl right now or something, he told me through text that he knew what to look for in his next ‘bird.’ It made me feel sick.
I’m trying so hard to move on. I’ve deleted all of the photos and memories for good, not to mention chucked a few things away that I had.
I feel like I want to know if he’s okay, what he’s doing. I worry about him so much and just wish that we could remain friends online, it would help me as a person. He removed me pretty much straight away. He still removed to take the profile photos down of us though, which annoyed me because I don’t really like the fact that my face is on his page, especially if he was to get a new gf or something.
In the last paragraph *removed should be refused.
I read this and it helped me stop crying
I have moments, hours of depression where I isolate, dont use the
phone and think there is no point in reaching out since noone wants
to deal with me.
No one wants to deal with you? Why do you say this? I feel this exact same thing about myself.. in fact I’ve pretty much heard it more than once from family and supposed loved ones in my life. I have many faults.. I truly wonder if I should just retract completely from all people, since I’m so apparently difficult to deal with.. often wrestled with the thought that anything good about me that I’d have to offer anyone, isn’t enough due to how horrible I apparently am to deal with.. how much disappointment and all other types of negative feelings I seem to inspire in others.. If I’m this bad, should I bother to self reflect, figure out where I go wrong and attempt to change myself, doing a 180? Is it even possible at nearly 40 yrs of age? Or should I just give up and remove myself from as much human interaction as can be possibly avoided? Sorry to turn my reply into mostly all about my own experience, (self-centeredness, being self-absorbed, apparently one of my worst traits, so I’m not surprised at my reply) however I am truly interested in your situation, as I normally don’t run across someone who seemingly sounds so similar to myself..
I recently found out that my boyfriend of nearly 2 years was talking with his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis a few months ago and during our relationship. He has told me in the past that he still has feelings for her, however when I confronted him about the phone calls he said “we were just talking as friends.”
He lied to me in the past when I asked him if he had talked to her. Now I am carrying this pain around that I did not create. He hasn’t offered me any kind of reassurance and his apology was forced at best. I am trying really hard to forgive him but it keeps coming up in my mind that he lied and has made me feel like a fool, sometimes I feel so badly that I can’t be near him and I have to leave the room for fear I will just explode.
I want to get past this but I need to hear from him why this happened and why I should believe that it won’t happen again? He won’t talk about it and tells me he can’t deal with this anymore when I do bring it up. I need him to understand my hurt and I need some form of reassurance from him. I just want the truth even if it hurts, at least I’ll know….what should i do with my bf…now he saying i lov u sooo much plzz don’t leave me.i’ll die..blah blahh..
Firstly am sorry to hear what you have had to go through and what are going through at present with your current boyfriend.
I have been in a similar situation with my ex girlfriends, the problem is in some relationships it is hard to get a response given this kind of situation, the reason why they cannot give you the answer you are looking for is because they are emotionally conflicted meaning they are still thinking about their ex.
The problem here is that you are not getting a 100% honest true relationship, if the person you are with are conflicted and cannot give you the answer you are looking for this is enough to make a choice. Waiting for an answer or forcing an answer will just end up with more lies meaning you will still have it in the back of your mind that you have been lied to in the past and what if this is just more lies?
When anyone goes into a relationship the people in that relationship should put their ex’s behind them and be fully over them otherwise its not a fair honest relationship to be in when you are just thinking about your ex and making comparisons I know I have made this mistake myself
The reason why he is saying he loves you soo much and dont leave him cos he will die etc is because he wants best of both worlds, he wants to keep you whilst having feelings for someone else and this is outright out of order and unacceptable.
A person should always in this case PROVE their love by actions not just words as words can end up having no meaning.
I was lied to for pretty much a year by my ex, some people are soo good at convincing others that they love them but are just being the devil until you find out yourself and its a world of shock.
If you find that its hard to communicate with your boyfriend as you have said and isnt giving you any reassurance then I know its not easy in some peoples cases but its time to leave.
You need someone you can relate to and communicate with and a person that communicates you on the level whereby you know they are telling the truth and I dont mean by making everything sound sweet and mushy and flutter their eyes cos if i have learnt anything thats the kind to avoid.
If you cannot sit down with him and tell him straight whats bothering you and he just walks off then you walk off, you deserve better than this and obviously he doesnt appreciate you and doesnt love you enough to give you what you seek.
Your post made me feel better. I am in a terrible situation where i liked this guy but circumstances meant we couldn’t be together. A couple of months after he married his fiance. I so want to be cling to him and never lose our friendship but i wonder what damage i would be doing to the other person having her husband talking to another woman and i instantly realised i couldn’t do it. I have to walk away as hard a sit is to do it is the right thing to do.
I have been with her for about 5years,when I say I have been with her,I mean I have lived with her under same roof for 5years so we are more or less like married couples,I have hard time trusting her because I am so scared I will be hurt,yet the little things she does hurts me greatly as if I have already or almost broken up with her.I feel she is not honest to me,I feel she doesn’t tell me the truth,she is too open to people especially guys and when I complain,she tells me she doesn’t have any bad mind behind giving her contact out to guys,just recently she went out with friends(males and females) without informing me until I called her and she was telling me she is at the beach with friends(she is in school at the moment),she then told me she took a photo and I asked her with whom which she replied with a male friend,I was so anxious to know how they took the photo and so I asked her and she told me she sat on the guys lap and took the photo,already she has told me the guy in question is from her hometown.
I am hurting because I feel something is not right..i have so much to say.i cant put everything here being i might give you so much work to do so please just give me advice what to do,I want to get my mind off her so that when the worse happens i will be able to stand it.
Hey trust me many of us have been there like lifes not worth living and it hurts soo bad, and again trust me when I say I have tried hurting myself could have been to just get the attention or basically because I wanted to feel something real other than emotional pain.
But to just throw out there that you want to kill yourself guess what your ex BF is going to continue living his life, will he care if you killed yourself? Maybe yes or maybe no but ask yourself would you rather have someone that truely loves you or pretends to love you?
Nothing hurts more than giving your entire absolute 200% love and affection to a purpose that ends up either using you, cheats on you etc. Still no matter what bad this person might do you still love them that you just want to forget the bad stuff and just feel you have to have them.
The only solution to moving on is to be around someone that understands you and instead of taking your mind off of it TALK about it instead, talk soo much that every bit of it comes off your chest. Talk about it everyday if you have to you just need someone that is going to listen and for that reason I am truely greatful I have 2 of the best of bestest friends in the world that have been there for me through my 2 horrible relationships.
I am not going to sit here and say ‘dont worry you will find someone else’ NO that isnt what you want to hear, what you want is someone thats gonna sit and listen to you and poor your heart out enough that you cry it all out the sooner you do this and as much as you need to then and only then will you start to feel better.
Thanks AJ, I hope Zoya really listens to us, life goes on, life is beautiful, BTW, I broke up with a guy just yesterday as well, sure it hurts, sure I cried but out of the blue my two best friends called me without knowing about my brake up, I told them and they cheard me up, also another friend sent me a book and a note remainding me how loved I am, those are signs that I did the right think and I am loved by people that deserve my heart. My heart is healing, I am loved, and I will live my live to the fullest because I deserve it and so does everybody…
Many blessings
My God don’t do that!!! Your life does not evolve around a person, your life is yours and nobody will take that away from you. Please think about the people that really love you, your parent’s your friends, what would they do without you. Let your heart hurt but don’t think you will die, all of us survive the brake ups, I promise you. You are really going to be ok.
I just wanted to say this meditation has actually helped me. I recently fell for a gal I work with and started feeling heartache after realizing the possibility that something might not happen between us. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two and a half years so this added to some deeply rooted feelings of desolation and loneliness. It really helped remind me that life isn’t always perfect and calmed the growing sensations that worked against me. Three solid days of heartache has been severely lessened by a couple minutes of good introspection. To those this didn’t work for, try it again. Do it slowly, and try to relax.
I cannot even beging to describe what ordeal I went through with a woman that claimed to love me, she fooled all my friends and even me. She put me through soo much misery and I kept taking her back. Few months ago she tried to get back with me and claimed she loved me and could never be with anyone else etc etc. She wanted me to move to the USA (I live in the UK) and wanted me to give up my friends and family etc. Eventually I said no I cannot do this and it upset her.
It’s a cruel world out there and there are people who can convince you soo easily but all the while are lieing.
I then checked my facebook for some old random pics and she had clicked like I regretfully checked her profile…Lo and behold she is in a relationship with a guy that she claimed she had no feelings for and could never be with him, I used to get jealous and paranoid and at one point she had moved in with him and claimed it was out of convenience…But what hurt me even more was finding out that was with him WHILST we were together! How can someone look you in the face and tell you that you mean the world to them whilst they are cheating on you and doing things behind your back
So I am trying to get over the shock and its hurting me real bad
I gave this woman soo much, I helped her and her kids, helped give her a better life and went out of my way to show her how much I loved her. But I did notice she never really showed me the same love instead would give me a loving look but all the while a devil in disguise
hi Everyone
im in a situation that my Boyfriends one friend (girl) is trying to break us up.
i have told him many times that she is inlove with him but he said its not true.
he has told her before that she must get lost but she keeps coming back and everytime my boyfriend and i fight over it because she doesnt understand that he doesnt want her.
i have thought of giving up and saying if you want each other go for it its busy breaking me inside i cry myself to sleep every night.
We have been together for over a Year now and knowing that someone wants to take him away from me is making me heart broken and i wish there was a way he could see that she has more feelings for him then just friendship, what must i do please help me.
i dont want to lose him i Love him so so so much.
All I can say is that no one can ever take someone away from anyone, if a person leaves in the relationship for someone else then they were never with you in the first place. This is what a wise friend of mine once said.
If you feel you will lose the person then you are not connected to each other, being connected and feeling comfortable about your partner is key to any relationship. Feeling in doubt constantly will cause a break up in itself.
Look at it as though this female is ‘testing’ your relationship instead of fighting with each other about this female instead try showing your love infront of her by kissing cuddling etc. And keep smiling because the more you do this infront of her the more its going to bother her soo much that she will eventually get fed up and leave.
Ah ha, the arguments and blame game is how it usually starts. May I ask your husband’s age? It’s relevant if you began a relationship as a child with a grown man. I suggest counseling for the two of you including HIV tests. I know it sounds harsh but these are the times we live in. If he takes money from a woman would he do the same for a man? And, now he wants you back since his piggy bank is out of commission. You can’t forgive that quickly and he shouldn’t expect you to. Cake eaters are normally selfish and think of only themselves and “the moment.” Not to mention that he certainly isn’t thinking of your children.
I would seriously consider counseling and if he doesn’t want to try it then, he isn’t interested in saving the marriage. Will he continue to have affairs and just presume you will take him back? Something to think about as you’re young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Keep in mind that a family that “prays together stays together.”
Ive been with my husband since I was 15 years old. I left my mother’s house at the age of 17 to be with him and start a family. We got married when I turned 20 years old and now I am 22. We also have two children together. I am so hurt because I was actually thinking we was going to be together for a long time. I thought he belonged to me and I belonged to him. That changed when he started working at this club and met this girl. He had sex with her 3 times and told her he loves her. He said it was all about the money, which I find that hard to believe. The thing that gets me is that he wasn’t even working at this job for a good month. He said the girl treated him good and I treat him like shit. I always loved him and showed him that I love him. I don’t know where he came up with that conclusion. It makes me mad that he put her first and did all these things with this girl behind my back while I laying in the bed waiting for him to come home. He started arguments with saying we didn’t have any sparks together. By him saying that I knew something was fishy. But how I found out was because the girl sent about a hundred pictures of herself. My husband said she was giving him money and keeping him happy. He even told some of him family members and my brothers about her which I think was a stupid idea. I made him lose his job by going up there and spilling drink on her. I even talked to the manager about how he was doing me. But they already knew he was fooling with that girl. He lost his job at the end of september and say he wants to be with me. Told me to forgive him. How can I forgive that quickly and he NEVER want me to talk about that other girl, which I think is relevant to our “suppose-to-be” relationship. I just hate the way he went about it, because if you truly love someone you wouldn’t do some of the things that you did. This happened in September 2011 and now this is December 2011. I am still hurt from this experience. I don’t know what to do, who to trust, where to go from here, and where to start. I am totally confused right now because I just got slapped very hard in the face by reality. He still wants to be with me but I don’t know if I should let him close to me again. I never ever been in this situation before and I never cheated on him since we been together. Please someone help my mind. Only positivity.
Ah ha, the arguments and blame game is how it usually starts. May I ask your husband’s age? It’s relevant if you began a relationship as a child with a grown man. I suggest counseling for the two of you including HIV tests. I know it sounds harsh but these are the times we live in. If he takes money from a woman would he do the same for a man? And, now he wants you back since his piggy bank is out of commission. You can’t forgive that quickly and he shouldn’t expect you to. Cake eaters are normally selfish and think of only themselves and “the moment.” Not to mention that he certainly isn’t thinking of your children.
I would seriously consider counseling and if he doesn’t want to try it then, he isn’t interested in saving the marriage. Will he continue to have affairs and just presume you will take him back? Something to think about as you’re young and have a lifetime ahead of you. Keep in mind that a family that “prays together stays together.”
Thanks for this! I found your article whilst online at 5 in the morning following the ending of a short but intense relationship with a lovely woman who was, through other circumstances – having an alcoholic 34 year old son living at home = was unattainable. Distance was also a factor. Never thought I could stop hurting; you’ve put me in the right direction. Again, thanks and bless you x Duncan
I am so tired of holding on to family members that don’t give a dam i am done. i often wonder y god placed me in a family with such heartless and cold people . i am glad that iam old enough to choose to not be involved or around them . if i could just remove them from my life forever i would be good . the adults in my family will screw up up before u get a chance to ! they r so evil and heartless that they think its ok to be no good and liars and users and whatever else comes to mind they enjoy hurting eachother and i am no longer riding on there train of drama afterreading this and the book who moved my cheese i realized i can do bad by myself but dont need grown people to bring me down.
Am fucking tired of trying in relationship. I give up. I just want be very successful one day and let them wish 2 be like me or with me. I want all to marvel. Those that thought I was useless would have a second thought.
Hi, I dont know if telling how i feel will help any at all, but i really cant talk to anyone im close to because no one understands what im going through , or will take the time out to listen without judging me. Well me and my bestfriend have been close since we were younger we never had like a normal bestfriend relationship, we were closer than normal bestfriends. and as we grew up she told me that she was in love with me. After a few days started to fly by i started to feel the same way. We ended up getting together but she stay in alabama n i was in florida. so after a few months it was like a love i never felt before, i was so happy! nothing could bring us apart. so i ended up moving back home to alabama with her and things were great. we rarely argued and if we did we fixed it b4 we fell asleep. it was like the perfect relationship. but our families didnt like either of us being together. and my mom ended up getting sick so i moved back to florida and thats where things went downhill. she got with someone else and it tore me up ! for about 4 months we went without speaking and i was devistated in and out of the hospital from taking too many narcotics. wasnt over dosing just couldnt sleep and was using them every night to sleep. i couldnt eat . i started drinking. i wasnt socializing with my friends. i just wasnt myself. then her and her ex broke up and we got back together and then she broke up with me and got back with her ex and then they broke up and we got bk together that happened at least 3 times then we got back together for good. and its lasted for about 4months but she had changed she wasnt the same girl that i fell in love with but i stuck by her side because i knew how much i loved her. then she decided to go into the army but before she left i gave her my virginity and i will say about 2 weeks afte that she broke up with me and started seeing someone else. i wasnt as heartbroken this time because ive been through so much with her. but it still hurts and now 8 months later she is engaged. but she still tries to call me and she says she is still in love with me and that i was the best thing that she has ever had. but i dont want anything to do with her. but that bad part is , is that im still in love with her too. but i dont want to be, and the fact that she is engaged hurts because i put up with her crap for 2 years and i dont think its fair that she did me wrong and can go and be happy with someone else while im stuck not knowing if i can ever fall in love again. its hard for me to trust or even be with someone without comparing them to her. i just need help on finding who i am and what i want. i thought i was over this until she contact me over thanksgiving telling me how much she loved and missed me, BUT SHE’S ENGAGED!!! i just dont know what to do. im tired of crying and being sad. HELP ME!
Stop taking her calls! Ignore the calls or simply block her number. She’s using you plain and simple and she knows that if things don’t work out with the man she is currently engaged to, you will be right back with open arms. Real love is solid, not wishy washy and indecisive. Why would you even want a woman that is engaged calling telling you how much she loves and misses you? She sounds immature and certainly not ready for a leap like marriage. Let her feel your pain for a change and stop taking her calls. Sure, it’s okay to cry every now and then but it is time to get back to life. Socializing with friends etc….It may sound harsh but your best bet is to MOVE ON!
To be honest i have moved on. I no longer want to be with her. The pain is just still there after all this time. I only hear from her like 1 or twice every 2 months. its kind of hard for both of us because we were bestfriends before anything. so its like i lost a bestfriend and the love of my life all in one. Right now i feel like i hate her more than anything because of all the pain she put me through. like i said i no longer want to be with her, but it still hurts.
and thanks some things you saud did help
Hog wash! The pain of loneliness never goes away. hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, for the past 25 years! it never goes away…
Clearly you don’t know what it is to be truly alone in life, I know, here in my 8 foot by 8 foot world, shut out from the rest of humanity, no I am not in prison though it is a lot like prison.
I beg an pray every night for it to all end, but morning comes and I must survive another day.
I hate the pain of loneliness but there is nothing I can do, your GOD hates me and is punishing me with this endless pain. I don’t know what I did to receive this punishment, but I have lived with it almost 50 years now and no it does not heal or go away.
What happened? U can tell us.
Excuse me but part of this is bull (no offense). I’ve been sad, frustrated and when I get these it keeps getting worse and feels like my hearts expanding and literally ripping in two, I understand that, I understand it’s normal and it’s not literally going to blow up. The thing I do find a hard time believing is that all of that pain calms itself down with the right pace of slow breathing while saying or thinking of a poem that basically says your life sucks. Is their any other method I can use, and other mediation thing I can say or work with because although I have high tolerance for emotional pain, the pain I feel right now is disabling and frustrating and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t want anyone else to know about it but me so asking for anti depressant medication is not a option, neither is actual therapy unless it’s me stating my feelings about what’s going on with me to someone in e-mail. Basically what I’m saying is, I’m depressed but the real problem I want to tackle first is the pain it is causing.
JG, the pain is being caused by your thoughts. The “poem” is not a poem, but a Buddhist meditation, which brings relief through acceptance that part of life’s experience is pain. Why don’t you try it and see if it will give you relief? And if you are asking for help, which you seem to be, check out my professional Q&A service – perhaps I can offer you just the help you need.
This is bs. Of course your limbs won’t fall off. There’s this thing called MENTAL PAIN and it’s just as effective as killing you as physical pain. When your depressed you think a lot, it hurts when you you think back on it, the feeling of lost, Lonnie ess and heartache is unbearable and can’t be sucked up.
I fell forbmy best friend this year. Sure I have only known himfor a dew months but we are the SAME person, ask anyone we know. And, most people say it is rediculous how I am so young and think I have fallen in love, but I did. I can’t explain it. Anyways, about four days ago he texted me and starts going on about how he realized why hebloved his ex and how they were back togther. I kid you not about two hours later he texts me again and starts on how he decided that the distance was too much for him to handle so they are not gonna get back together. THEN he say that h has a problem, so I ask what I can do to help. You wil never guess what he asked me; “I like your friend, but she doesn’t want to betray you so wouldyou mind telling her that it is okay with you? Please Katelin?” I almost died right then, I was so crushed. And of corse I had two choices: one, tell him I wasn’t okay or two, be the girl I am and go on and pretend that I was 100% okay with everyhing. Well let’s just say I went with choice two. And since he is litterally my BEST friend I have to go to school everyday and act like I am seriously okay. And then I go home and think abou him and wish he was there. And on top of that I wonder why I am not good enough for anyone and wonder if fate will ever let anyone love me. Keep in mind he knows I love him and that his has happened to me two times before. The other two times I wasn’t in love but still, it happened. If anyone has an idea on what to do that wil work better then what I am doing please let me know.
… I just saw a person I thought I liked kissing someone else. They’d always told me they liked me, we’ve kissed and such, but we never made anything official. However, when they were at my house hanging out with me, I had turned my phone on in my room on recording by pure accident as I had been looking through pics on it and left it on my dresser. I took a shower and came back to my room to find my brother and Her talking. Later after she left, I saw i had had my phone on recording while i was in my shower. While looking at the vid to see how long it had been recording I saw something that shocked me horribly. She and my brother were making out in the middle of my room. She ( I can’t even say it’s name…) made out with my little bro behind my back, he’s only a year younger. I feel so betrayed not just by her but my brother. This all occurred a little over an hour ago!!!!! Please what should I do?!? It hurts really bad!!! Should I outright confront my brother about this???!!??
It’s too painful now.. I can’t even read the lines..with all my tears falling down my face
The pain is so tough, it’s weird she had the same name as you, Are you from Germany too?
Hey, I cant stand the pain! Im young but i went out with this girl for along time! And she just dropped me! I thought she loved me and i dont know what to do, i feel down! I dont know what 2 do, It seems nothing will work! And i can truly say that i am so deeply inlove with this girl! I would do anything just to be with her again! Life almost feels pointless without her, i might sound stupid, but its what i feel! When ever im out and atarting to have a good time, something will happen and i will think about her again! And it hurts me so much!! I need advice!
This is a crock. I have sat with my pain for years now, and it doesn’t get any better. In fact, it has manifested itself physically as fibromyalgia. Sitting with pain breeds bitterness, which will eat you alive. I found this article worthless.
Robyn, sitting with your pain is not the same as stewing in your pain. Stewing in your pain will indeed lead to bitterness, as you have so well demonstrated.
Sitting with your pain means allowing it, feeling it fully, getting to the other end of it and then finally letting it go.
There are times when it’s easier to let go, but what it comes down to is how much you care about the person that making you feel this way. My friend and I both like this girl we work with. I have told her from the beginning how much I liked her and how bad I want a relationship with her. As far as relationship wise she said since we work together she wants to keep it professional, and that’s why I told her to make the first move since i’m ready. Everything was going ok ( or so I thought ) up until last night. Her and my friend were hanging all over each other, putting thier hands on each other, and I was basically invisible. No matter how much I want it I wil never be able to get past the hurt i’ve been feeling, nor will I be able to let it go.
help me
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