More and more lately I have been thinking about and looking at the power of thought in how I live life, and in helping my clients with their relationship woes.
A week ago I lost my purse. It’s kind of silly and incomprehensible the way it happened. I was at my doctor’s office. I must have put it down to fill out paper work and forgot to bring it with me into the exam room. When I went to leave, I realized I didn’t have it. The staff and I searched the office up and down. It was gone.
In the past I would have been racked with guilt and shame about such a thing. Then I would have been stressed out. Then freaked out.
But I didn’t do any of that. Instead I simply stayed calm, really I did. This ability to stay calm amazed me. But all I did to stay calm was to tell myself that I would be taken care of and that all would be well. I have been working on this for months to the point where it evidently now works in situations where I would normally get very stressed.
And you know what? I was in fact taken care of and all did turn out well. I didn’t get my purse back. But I walked into my bank and was recognized by a teller, who helped me make my bank accounts safe. I called a couple of places to close credit cards, and the people were more than helpful. It took me a few hours to make sure we were well protected. And then it was over.
Let’s bring this back to relationships.
What if you were in a marriage that wasn’t working, and instead of being stressed and depressed you told yourself, and made yourself believe, that you would be taken care of and it would all turn out well? Perhaps you would stay calm through the crisis and get clarity about what you need to do in order to make the situation work in a way that makes you happy.
Or what if you were single, and instead of having a negative reaction every time you date someone who is not for you, you told yourself that you would be taken care of and it would all turn out well? Perhaps you would just move on, unfazed, and keep meeting new people until you met the right one.
The key is to know that you are in charge of what you think and, because of that, how you feel. Then you actually have to become in charge of what you think.
How can you be in charge of what you think?
Examine your thinking, your reactions and your judgments for validity. Question your assumptions, beliefs, reactions. You may find that you are mostly interpreting situations, instead of making factual judgments. Any interpretation can be just as valid as any other interpretation, so your interpretations can be unreliable guides.
Let me give you an example of a client I am currently coaching. He came to me because he wanted to get back together with a woman he loved. The problem was, every time he interacted with her, he felt rejected more, which gave him no way to try to make his way back to into the relationship.
The reality was that she was not rejecting him most of the time, and was actually keeping the door open for him, but he could not see it because he kept thinking she was rejecting him.
Now, after two months of working with me, he is no longer reacting to rejection. Now he can see what’s really going on in his relationship with the woman – some closeness and some distance. This allows him a range of response options, which in turn leads to a much better outcome – he gets closer to the woman he loves.
My client has gained a powerful tool for relationship and living success – the ability to question what he thinks. He will succeed because he got help and coaching to get in control of what he thinks and how he reacts.
Try to examine your own thinking, reactions and judgments about love-life situations that bother you and see if you can take control of what you think. See if guiding your thinking makes a difference in how you feel and experience love and life.
If you are puzzled but intrigued, set up a time to talk to me and I will explain how this works and how it can help in your love life. In a fairly short time I can help you learn how to change the way you think, so that your life becomes more of what you want.
Your Love Coach