So Many Singles, Why are You Alone?

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on March 19, 2015

in Articles, Break-ups and Divorce, Dating, Relationships, Singles, Singles, Women's Help

crowd of singlesAs a singles and relationship coach, I am often astounded at the fact that even though there are millions of available singles worldwide, so relatively few single men and women find lasting relationships.

Dating services capitalize on this lack of relationship success, proclaiming that they have THE system to help you find your compatible mate for a relationship that will last. Their matching systems work to a point, in that seemingly compatible people connect and start conversations.

Yet some singles are not able to find enough potential candidates to date, despite seeming compatibility with many. Others do date each other temporarily. And some do form relationships, but these often fall apart. Only a select few end up in long-lasting relationships with each other. In the end there are far too few loving, long-lasting relationships coming out of this dating process.

Let’s look at why this is happening, why so many among the millions of singles wanting to find a partner are ending up alone.

Most singles come to dating with a desire to avoid repeating unhappy relationship experiences. Most have a vague feeling that they somehow contribute to their relationships being unhappy, yet cannot see what they do to create these experiences.

Without knowing what to do differently to make a relationship work, most singles hope that their next relationship will work out, without having faith that it actually will. In fact, most singles enter new relationships fairly certain they are going to get hurt again. And they are right. Most singles are likely to recreate with each other past negative relationship patterns, ultimately sabotaging their attempt to form a lasting relationship.

Are singles then doomed to keep repeating the same disappointing relationship experiences and keep getting hurt in relationships? Not necessarily.

In my coaching practice I have been able to help client after client break their relationship patterns, connect with the right person for them and build the relationship they have always wanted. The key is putting into action a deliberate step by step process of personal change that leads clients to revamp how they function in relationships.

The most important first step in the process of creating relationship change is to see what you are causing, and how, in this area of your life. Take an unflinching look at what you do that does not work, that makes you hard to connect with, love and be with. Then work to understand what you get out of these behaviors.

You also need to look at your relationship pattern, the overall theme in all your close relationships. Start to catch yourself in the midst of creating your pattern, whether it’s pain-inducing or creates a lack of relationships all together. One way to do this is to scan significant relationships across your life for repeating themes, starting with you and your parents, watching how these themes currently play out in your relationships.

Once you see what you do and why clearly, you have to work on shifting the beliefs, perceptions, and actions that keep you stuck in creating the same thing in relationships again and again. This shift is followed by acquiring new, healthier and more appropriate thinking, choices and action in regards to relationships.

The reason so many singles end up alone is because the work I describe above is the work many singles are not willing to undertake. Even self-aware singles often do not want to look at their past or re-experience their negative emotions. Yet this is the work that makes the difference between people who meet a compatible partner to create a long-lasting relationship, and those that do not.

Without personal work you will not “pass go” on your way to a happy relationship. Instead you will recreate the frustration of trying again and again to make relationships work, only to end up alone. Relationships change when you change.

Want help on your path to relationship satisfaction? Set up your Get Clarity Coaching Session and let’s work together on what stands in the way of you creating the relationship you want.

 

{ 9 comments }

Jane June 17, 2006 at 5:04 pm

did someone say dmarmony? ‘that’ site :) well, I’m a sucker too cause I went on took a VERY long quizy thingy like .. and then after like a month, ‘the one’ for me came up and looking at his profile I was thinking where did my trial period $7.95 go to because not only did he have kids and lived in BoraBora he didn’t even have a membership to communicate with me! clearly it’s wrong for the man of my dreams can actually afford to mail me not just smile or wink :)

Zoe November 20, 2005 at 6:07 am

Rinatta,

I used the dating site you refer to. Initially I began to wonder if I was on the wrong planet since they couldn’t find ANY matches for me. Then they found one – 150 miles away – and I have no idea what they thought we had in common, even based solely on a couple of emails ( I saw no compatibility there whatsoever). Next they found me a match locally, I met him and we went out a couple of times, and I did not understand why they thought we would be compatible. I have been happily dating someone I met by a bit of a fluke from a free dating site. I have no idea whether our compatibility ratings would match or not based on the EXPENSIVE site’s criteria, but we are very happy, best friends, and doing quite well.

Thanks for your newlsetters, and for debunking this site. One thing I did get out of it, was the founder’s book, and determining my top ten must have and can’t stand list. This has been valuable to me, but only after years of self work, as you have been advocating, and I have been reading, for years!

geri November 3, 2005 at 2:28 am

I agree that compatibility tests do not really show if two people are compatible together. I think I’ll stick more to the traditional dating (even online dating would be good) than just taking compatibility tests to see if your love match is really your true love. The chemistry, friendship and love that they share between them will tell if they are each other’s perfect match, if they will experience the great love affair they’ve always dreamed of with each other.

frankie October 23, 2005 at 9:56 pm

I am really into this view with regards to compatibility. I feel that something more than agreement constitute love. In reality, compability has become a greater issue than the most pressing concerns. True does not necessarily mean that couples have so much in common.

Brian October 18, 2005 at 8:28 am

This article was sent to me by a friend. It really opened my eyes. I dated a woman for a year who had two very young children.(2 1/2 and 4)I have no children. She is 30. I am 35 It was a big transition for me, but I did feel positive about it. Four months in she told me the relationship was not getting to the next level. We picked it back up. Same thing happened in five more months. She went to the dating website as described one month later and in three weeks met a divorced 41 year old and accepted a marriage proposal. She told me that she had been in three relationships that had failed and she had nothing to lose by moving so quickly. It made me think there was some magic formula on the website, but I realize there is not and it may just be two people with mutual needs or dysfunctions.

Mylene October 18, 2005 at 5:42 am

Compatibility is important in a relationship. But I must agree with you that it is not the only thing to be considered. There are other elements too like trust and commitment for your partner.

Roxana September 4, 2005 at 10:21 pm

I agree with you! I did suscribe to the site you are referring to and had a relationship with a guy who seemed to be so much like me.. it was like a mirror..
it wasnt until the relationship ended that I realized that the mirror was to see myself and work out my dysfunctional areas! thanks God that when I found also so many similarities in this “perfect” relationship with the other bad ones I have had, I went out to seek help to stop this..
now Im alone, but commited to my personal growth work , so in a near future I will be able to engage in healthy relationships..

Jacque September 4, 2005 at 9:07 pm

wow … compatible with each others’ dysfunction. I’ve never thought of it that way but it is SO true! Thanks for this insight.

Cheryl September 4, 2005 at 9:00 am

I totally agree with your comments regarding compatability. I’ve taken the online quiz you are referring to……and felt it was rather a joke when it came to making matches. And the information they provide potential matches is not enough to really assess whether it is somebody you want to “check out” or not. Personally, I know I have not done enough work on myself to be honest about what or whom I should be looking for. Maybe that means I”m not ready to be in a relationship yet…who knows.

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