Dating and relationship problems happen at the point of your perception. The people in your life may be contributing to your relationship woes, but they are not the problem. What you believe is the problem, because you only see what you believe. This is the design of the human mind.
You can test this phenomenon out for yourself:
Spend a little time looking at cars and choose your favorite, one that you think would be the best car choice for you. Now go drive around town and you’ll notice that you see that type of car everywhere.
Is everyone driving this car all of a sudden, or did you just prime your mind to show you the object of your belief?
When you believe something is so, your mind will make sure your attention is focused on those situations or objects. Your mind will also make you see more occurrence seven where there are none. Simultaneously, your mind will make other possibilities less perceptible to you.
When you believe that you can’t have love, that your relationships will not work out, even if you are hoping they do, your mind will work to make what you believe right.
Thankfully, our minds are always growing and have an incredibly capacity for change. Neuroscience calls this ability in us neuroplasticity. You can re-train your mind to produce much more positive relationships results for yourself.
This is not an easy task, but a worthwhile one. Although it cannot be accomplished overnight, it can be done with daily practice. Below are specific steps to train your mind to give you much better relationship results.
How to train your mind to give you a great relationship:
1. The first essential step is to see your beliefs about relationships, about men and women, and about yourself in a relationship.
Write down everything you tell yourself about you and dating, love, relationships and about the other people in your life. Also notice what you tell yourself about men and women and relationships in general. Don’t judge, minimize or hide anything from yourself.
Then, notice when you feel good one minute and bad the next. This sudden drop in mood is typically a sign that negative thoughts/messages just ran through your head. Look back to your internal conversation for what you said to yourself to create the drop in mood. Write these down.
2. The next step is to question the validity of your beliefs. Just because you believe something to be so, does not mean it is true. It is important to question beliefs in the areas of our life that don’t work the way we want, as faulty beliefs are the cause the situation.
Use the 4 questions from The Work process by Byron Katie to examine each thought you wrote down. You need to examine your thoughts for validity and the 4 questions do so simply and easily.
Here is the version of the 4 questions I use with my clients:
Step 1: Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
Step 2: Can you absolutely know that it’s true? What evidence do you have that it is true?
Step 2B: What else could be true? What evidence can you find that the alternative is true?
Step 3: How do you react, what happens, when you believe the original thought?
Step 4: How would you feel and what would happen in your life without that thought?
3. The last step is then to practice the thoughts you came up with in step 2B, above, because they are at least as true, and often more true, than your original thoughts.
When you notice yourself running the old thoughts, stop and replace
Interestingly, truth feels good. When you tell yourself the truth about something, you will know that it is the truth from how it feels in your body – right, solid, and life-affirming.
As your ability to think more truthfully, and in essence, positively, about yourself and relationships grows, you will notice that your relationship life will begin to change for the better and move closer to what you want.
How to get help training your mind for great relationship results:
I coach clients to train their mind for positive relationship results, using The Work and other effective techniques.
To experience working with me as your coach, set up a Get Clarity Telephone Coaching session and let’s start working on creating THE relationship you want.