The 6 Things You Need to Know in Order to Let Your Ex Go

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on June 8, 2012

in Articles, Break-ups and Divorce, Dating, Marriage, popular, Relationships

Most people have had a relationship in their past that is very hard to let go of.  This is the one that got away. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love, yet would just not work. Do you have a relationship like this, one that you still long for?

Or worse yet, are you in another relationship, still longing for and fantasizing about that one that got away? Want to let go and be free to move on?

You let go of a relationship like this by first understanding why you hold on.

The reasons you hold on:

#1. When your partner in that relationship was at his best, he met all of your needs. He was the perfect fit for you. If he could have been that way with you 100 percent of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would still be in the relationship. The times he was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.

Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew she could, because sometimes she did. But she wouldn’t. You wanted to make, force, or talk her into it. You did everything possible to make her be the way you wanted 100 percent of the time. You may have asked her to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book you could come up with to evoke the behavior you wanted.

Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. Or perhaps that’s not how your story went. Perhaps he left the relationship and left you longing and wanting him back. Regardless, the attachment to your ex lingers.

#2. You have trouble letting go because you never succeeded in making your ex fulfill your needs completely and yet you believe you could and should have been able to. You feel that somehow not getting the love you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, patient enough, your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, she gave it to you sometimes.

#3. One of the things that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won’t give it to you, especially when giving it seems the natural or expected thing to do. You are justified in your anger, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way. If you keep wanting to call up your ex, or show and tell him how much of a mistake he made, you are holding on with anger.

#4. The person you loved truly had great qualities. With her you had an incredible connection. Maybe she loved you intensely. She may still love you. The only problem was that she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, she acted hurtful towards you.

It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you occasionally interact with the wonderful, caring side of him. Walking away from or losing such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.

#5. It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear she doesn’t care about you. It may be even easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and possibly still loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to does not meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.

#6 and the most important reason you hold on: You don’t believe that you will meet another partner who will give you all the good you had in your ex-relationship. You believe that with the loss of this relationship you have lost the chance to get what you really wanted, and that now you will have to settle for less.

The ultimate dilemma is how to  let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you and is not available to you; how to let go of the one who seems to have been the one.

Letting go of an ex is hard!
If you are having trouble letting go, I can help.

Experience relief and clarity in the Get Clarity Coaching Session.

Here are the steps you must take in order to fully let go and move on:

#1 and the hardest step. Understand and accept that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he could have. Even when he appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he was always doing the best he  could. Understand that he never intentionally meant to hurt you.

#2 and equally hard step. Understand and buy into the following two concepts: change is hard and people can’t change for you. No matter what you did or did not do, your ex was, is and will continue to be a person with certain behaviors, habits, thoughts and ways of doing relationships.

#3. Forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that she did, the good and the bad, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes she was wonderful and sometimes she was horrible. And all of the time she was the same person.

There is no way you could have only his good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you got  to experience the good side and the bad side as well. His bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package has to be let go off.

#4. Learn to stop thinking about your ex. This again is a difficult step, in that when you have fond memories of someone or perhaps a painful breakup that you have a hard time making sense of, it’s very hard to not revisit these memories again and again. You go back to them for comfort or in hopes of understanding what happened.

#5. Mine that relationship for what you want in your current or future relationship. Use the gift of the love, connection and good stuff in that relationship as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future or current relationship. Instead of looking back at what you had, look forward to having more of that in your future.

Think about, even list, all of the qualities that you loved about your ex. Add to the list the activities the two of you did that made you feel satisfied. Mine the ex-relationship for clues of what you truly want in a wonderful, fulfilling relationship. Now you have a good idea of what you are looking for in your next partner or what you should put into your current relationship. That’s the gift from your ex – the clarity of knowing what you want and need from a relationship! And that’s something to be grateful for.

Letting go of an ex is hard!
If you are having trouble letting go, I can help.

Experience relief and clarity in the Get Clarity Coaching Session.

#6. Do many, many physical actions that signal to yourself that you are letting go. Here are some ideas:

  • Write goodbye letters and burn them
  • Put away all the articles that belonged to him or her
  • If the two of you lived together, rearrange the furniture and get new dishes
  • Etc, etc.

Letting go of an ex is hard. Moving on to another relationship after such an experience is difficult. Attracting love, or giving your heart to someone is not easy. But, if you are to have a healthy, loving, fulfilling relationship, you must find a way to let go completely and cleanly, so that your ex is a part of your history, but is no longer a wound in your heart.



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