How to Let Go of a Relationship When You Don’t Want To

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on June 29, 2012

in Articles, Break-ups and Divorce, Heartbreak, Singles

freedomRecently I was coaching two separate clients who are both having a hard time letting go of an ex-partner. In both cases, their exes are done with the relationship, but my clients do not want to let go.

They are both in pain over not wanting to let go and trying to hold on. One of the clients constantly contacts her ex-partner, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her for reaching out, to compassion and asking her to be strong and move on with her life. The other client does not contact his ex, but responds when she reaches out to him. She never reaches out to revive the relationship, just to touch base on the phone, by text or email. They haven’t seen each other in many months.

These people are both stuck. They are holding onto the hope that their relationships can still be revived somehow, although they have received no indication that this is possible.

If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you clearly know. They will call and say, “I have been thinking about you,” or, “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through the issues that led to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile.

That is not the case in these situations. There are no indications that their partners want to get back together.

To help my clients let go of their past relationships I asked them a series of questions intended to uncover their stuck points.

Answering the questions, in the order given below, helped them unhook from their ex’s and their past relationships.


If you would like help letting go of a past relationship, get started in a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session.

If you find yourself in a similar stuck situation, ask yourself these questions:

  1. What are the good parts about the relationship you want back?
  2. What are the bad parts about the relationship you never want to experience again?
  3. Are you aware that you have to take the bad with the good, that your ex is a package deal, with both of these?
  4. Do you know that if you and your ex are together again, you will experience the worst of the bad, and the best of the good, over and over?
  5. Do you think you can get the relationship and your ex back?
  6. What specific, concrete evidence do you have that you can get your ex back?
  7. If your ex is contacting you, instead of trying to reconcile, could he or she just want to stay in touch with you in order to feel good about him or herself?
  8. Given that reconciliation is unlikely, is there anything that your ex could say to you that would make letting go easier?

The last question in particular unearthed the desire for an apology for the pain caused by the ex-partner during the relationship and the breakup. Each client also found they needed to know that they had been truly loved in their relationship.

In neither case could the ex give an apology, or acknowledge the love. Using a variety of coaching techniques, I worked with both of them (without their exes) to help fulfill these needs.

Both feel better, are fixated less on the past and focused more on the future, and the possibility of creating relationships they really want.

If you would like help letting go of a past relationship, get started in a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session.

If you are having a hard time letting go of a relationship, work with the questions above. Write down your answers, as answering in your head will not have the same impact as typing or writing out your thoughts and feelings. Also be sure to answer the questions in the order given. There’s a reason for the order; it’s a specific way of unhooking you from a stuck emotional place.




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