How to Let Go of a Relationship When You Don’t Want To

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on June 29, 2012

in Articles, Break-ups and Divorce, Heartbreak, Singles

freedomRecently I was coaching two separate clients who are both having a hard time letting go of an ex-partner. In both cases, their exes are done with the relationship, but my clients do not want to let go.

They are both in pain over not wanting to let go and trying to hold on. One of the clients constantly contacts her ex-partner, wanting to connect with him. His responses range from anger at her for reaching out, to compassion and asking her to be strong and move on with her life. The other client does not contact his ex, but responds when she reaches out to him. She never reaches out to revive the relationship, just to touch base on the phone, by text or email. They haven’t seen each other in many months.

These people are both stuck. They are holding onto the hope that their relationships can still be revived somehow, although they have received no indication that this is possible.

If a person is considering getting back together with you, or trying again, they will let you clearly know. They will call and say, “I have been thinking about you,” or, “I miss you.” They will schedule a time to see you and talk to you. They will try to sort through the issues that led to the breakup. There will be clear indications that they want to reconcile.

That is not the case in these situations. There are no indications that their partners want to get back together.

To help my clients let go of their past relationships I asked them a series of questions intended to uncover their stuck points.

Answering the questions, in the order given below, helped them unhook from their ex’s and their past relationships.

 

If you would like help letting go of a past relationship, get started in a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session.

If you find yourself in a similar stuck situation, ask yourself these questions:

  1. What are the good parts about the relationship you want back?
  2. What are the bad parts about the relationship you never want to experience again?
  3. Are you aware that you have to take the bad with the good, that your ex is a package deal, with both of these?
  4. Do you know that if you and your ex are together again, you will experience the worst of the bad, and the best of the good, over and over?
  5. Do you think you can get the relationship and your ex back?
  6. What specific, concrete evidence do you have that you can get your ex back?
  7. If your ex is contacting you, instead of trying to reconcile, could he or she just want to stay in touch with you in order to feel good about him or herself?
  8. Given that reconciliation is unlikely, is there anything that your ex could say to you that would make letting go easier?

The last question in particular unearthed the desire for an apology for the pain caused by the ex-partner during the relationship and the breakup. Each client also found they needed to know that they had been truly loved in their relationship.

In neither case could the ex give an apology, or acknowledge the love. Using a variety of coaching techniques, I worked with both of them (without their exes) to help fulfill these needs.

Both feel better, are fixated less on the past and focused more on the future, and the possibility of creating relationships they really want.

If you would like help letting go of a past relationship, get started in a 30-minute Get Clarity Coaching Session.

If you are having a hard time letting go of a relationship, work with the questions above. Write down your answers, as answering in your head will not have the same impact as typing or writing out your thoughts and feelings. Also be sure to answer the questions in the order given. There’s a reason for the order; it’s a specific way of unhooking you from a stuck emotional place.

 

 

{ 86 comments }

TAMIKA August 26, 2012 at 7:53 pm

I live with a man and I he gives me mix signals. He say we are not togther but we act differently. We have seperate bedrooms. I try and face reality that I need to move out because whats the purpose of me staying. He says he will never marry. I now he talks and meet other women and wants to go out at night after I am sleep. He treats me good as a provider and has my back in that area, maybe thats why I stay. I just need the couage to leave.

Nic July 24, 2012 at 8:57 am

What good parts about the relationship do you want back?

All of it. I miss making her laugh. I miss her making me laugh (although I still can laugh on my own). I miss her silly behavior. I miss being a part of her and her family and friends. I miss doing things with her.

What bad parts about the relationship do you never want to experience again?

The part where she leaves me because “we’re changing as different people.” Although, I think I can handle it.

Are you aware that you have to take the bad with the good, that your ex is a package deal, with both of these?

I was aware from the beginning. I supported her through tough times of awful anxiety, day in and day out, even when I had to go to work early, I would stay awake with her when anxiety made her sick in the middle of the night and she trembled.

Do you know that if you and your ex are together again, you will experience the worst of the bad, and the best of the good, over and over?

That’s what I want.

Do you think you can get the relationship and your ex back?

It’s up to her, so I see no way to answer that. If she has changed as a person and does not love me anymore, it’s nothing I can do anything about.

What specific, concrete evidence do you have that you can get your ex back?

I don’t, really. It was a sudden change and made no sense.

If your ex is contacting you, instead of trying to reconcile, could he or she just want to stay in touch with you in order to feel good about him or herself?

She was occasionally contacting me via facebook, but I’ve decided to remove her so that I don’t see her picture so much. I don’t think she’s the shallow type to do things just to feel good about herself, but what do I really know?

Given that reconciliation is unlikely, is there anything that your ex could say to you that would make letting go easier?

I can’t think of a single thing she could say to make letting go any easier…

Is there anything else I could do to help let go? I’m ready to. I am comfortable living my life without her and even falling in love with someone else. I am happy in spite of her leaving me. I even see the good in it all.

But I can’t stop wanting her to come back to me. Please help?

Denise December 21, 2011 at 10:45 am

GB,

Reading your message just made me sad and I wanted to reach out to you and try to talk to you and help you if I can. Life is very hard and i’m also learning that the hard way. All you can do is try to be there for your child if your ex allows it. You have to be strong for your daughter because she will grow up and want to know about her daddy and when that day comes you have to be ready to be there for her. As for your ex I know its the most hardest thing to do but you have to let her go for now boy am I learning that. I to am in love with a man that I had to walk away from since he would not change his ways and its killing me every day but I try to stay strong for my children that we have together.

Stay strong
Denise

GB November 10, 2011 at 1:40 pm

I am in a very bad place. I love my ex with all my heart we have a child together. We were together for seven years when she left it hurt deeply I feel that pain every second of the day. I lost everything all at once we started counseling but she just quit. Her and our child are my life my joy without them i am lost. I am now fighting depperssion and suicidal thoughts. Everyday is a burden I am stuck in a nightmare and think it would be better if I were dead. I miss them both so much I live with alot of pain and regret I have not been outside in sixteen months it hurt so much the world looks and feels so different. The holidays are the worst for me I can’t look anyone in the face it reminds me of what I don’t have any more. I don’t know where to go from here do I want to die or live like I have been I have not seen my daughter in five months It hurts when she asks me to come home with her cause that is all I want . I can’t sleep most nights this has caused so much unrest for me. Life has no meaning for me anymore I lost everything I love, every second is a thought just to end my suffering no more gas left in my tank no more love for life. What is really left but unhappiness

Lenny September 19, 2011 at 8:59 am

Hi, I just had gone through this and I was that person that didn’t want to let go. I can honestly say I wanted to stay for the kids first and my wife second, but ultimately wanted the family together. I did not want to fall into the norm of “if things don’t work out bail out” what so many couples will do. I was embarrassed to tell my co-workers and only told 3 to 4 very close friends about my wife leaving me, I felt like a failure accepting. I accepted half if not more of the blame for her wanting to leave me. I had asked if she was interested in going to counseling, she agreed but told me it wasn’t to get back together, it was for her own well being. On our third visit at 150.00 and hour I heard her say for the third time “I’m not going back” even though I wasn’t asking her to. I think she just wanted to make it clear, which really hurt me, at the same time it woke me up to I get it. At that time I told the counselor “I’m done” he looked at me and asked me if I was giving up after only a few sessions, that I’m suppose to be the leader and the strong one. I had apologized for giving up and said that I would continue to work on the relationship. We were going every two weeks so on our forth visit I was feeling good about myself and mentioned that I did a lot of thinking and praying about this and I decided to stop going to counseling and accepting the fact that my wife wants to move on. Now I felt good about this but I also felt “what did I just do” at the same time. Afterwards my ex-wife and I walked out to the parking lot and started to feel desperate and that this is it, so I talked to her for about a half hour trying one last time to see if we could work things out in any way. To me this was my last desperate attempt to save the marriage and in my mind I was set on accepting this if it didn’t work. I should of seen the writing on the wall sooner but I was in denial. It was now time for me to accept this fact that she wasn’t coming back. She drove away and I drove away at this time and this was the beginning of my healing, the fact that she was telling me it was over, over and over finally hit me hard enough to understand it. I guess everyone has a different threshold on when to let it go. Had I realized this sooner I would of started the healing sooner than later. The fact that I held on may or may not of been a good thing for myself but it is what it is. Reading what you mentioned about “if they want you back they’ll let you know” is so simple and so so true. Most of the time we let our emotions over rule our rationality, when if we would just stop and really think it over we would understand it much better and with a more logical response to our problem. I am now feeling really good about myself and in fact I feel sorry for her at times. One of the things I did was as you had mentioned, and I agree with you again was about forgiving the other person. I had forgiven her for anything she did to me, but before I did that I had to forgive myself first. I felt if I hadn’t forgiven myself first, it would have been very difficult to forgive her. I also had forgiven friends even if it was something small and not related to my relationship with my wife. I wanted to feel better about myself and when my apologizes were accepted with open arms and I can truly say that the people I had apologized to have so much more respect for me now. Those relationships are much stronger as well. Sometimes we feel that it is a weakness to say we’re sorry, it isn’t, in fact its a sign of strength in your character. My life is almost better than before, now that I’ve learn some very valuable learning experiences through this hard time in my life. I only see my kids half the time as when we are a couple and that was harder to accept but I must accept it because life is what it is. If I could give one piece of advice to anyone open to receive it would be to accept everybody and everything as they are or as it is. We all have a choice which nobody else can take away from us. Your choice would be to accept everything with love and kindness or take it personal and get angry. We are powerless over other people and circumstances in our lives, so its up to you to simples relax and smile when someone does something to you that you don’t like. Allow thought go in your head that you don’t like, but don’t take it as a personal attack Think about how you can respond in a kind and loving way and you will start to notice how people respond in a much different way. If you get angry or defensive they will to, if you take the high road and respond in a kind way they can no longer argue or say angry things to you. Its up to you to make a difference. You will have a much more inner peace and you will be more relaxed, resulting in a more fulfilling life for yourself and the ones around you. We teach what we want to learn……..I hope that I reached out and helped someone in need, I know how it feels and I would do anything to help anyone anytime, God Bless……

aliba jackie felicia September 15, 2011 at 1:38 am

i love your concern about our we feel in life when you stress to love someone and at the end you leap nothing. i always cry , complain and feel low in my relationship.he drops the calls , calls at his convenient time and he expects u to pick up, he does not meet appointments. am kind of tired

princess September 5, 2011 at 10:12 am

Im a 20 year old female i have a 2 year old babygirl..im so in love with her father. We been together for almost five years…im startin to feel like he dont love me well if he ever did.. somebody please let me know how i can and should leave dis relationship..im tired of hurting and crying he dont seem to care either way..and i kinda feels he has another relationship possible another family..

Rebecca August 22, 2011 at 11:57 am

My problem is a little weird, we both have a hard time letting go. I’ve got a partner and a child now but my thoughts tend to wander back to him alot. We had dated on and off for five years. He hasn’t changed at all and he was kind of my best friend for ages. Only recently have I stopped talking to him but I keep feeling the need to call or message. I’m going crazy….. I know it’s better to stop talking to him but is very hard. (he’s a very good friend of my family) I can’t stop thinking about him and it makes it worse knowing he thinks about me too. I don’t know how to completely let go. Please any advice would help……

Amanda August 15, 2011 at 6:04 am

Well, I guess I have no choice but to let go…this is the text message I got from my ex….
“Well, even with my issues I made one lucky lady VERY happy Friday night, four times as a matter of fact….. she was very grateful, no complaints. So even though I have the t levels of a 65 year old, I still managed to have her howling all night ;) I mean, we didn’t even towel off after our shower she was so turned on she took me soaking wet right onto her bed! Maybe it was because she was a really hot blonde with a really nice body that I didn’t have any issues……” (he had some Erectile Dysfunction issues which was physically related to Low Testosterone…but sometimes I started to feel maybe it was me…he always swore it wasn’t…but apparently it was) So, I need to find the way to let go. I thought I had…I tried forgiving him…but this…well this was just the most hurtful and self esteem destroying text message I ever got and I dont’ know if I can forgive..I know I wont’ forget.

lizv August 13, 2011 at 9:54 am

How do I let go? I thought I did…. Over 10yrs ago I dated this guy for about five years on/off. He did the whole cheating and lying games, and I held on until the relationship crashed and burned. I started dating someone else and at first it was hard for me to let go of this past relationship( and yes, I would still contact him. Half the time, if I called he would be “busy” and couldn’t talk) So I decided to get the hint and stop calling, texting, and emailing. I cut all communication (5 yrs) and I was o.k. with it. In the mean time I got married and started a family. A few months ago he requested me on one of these social networking sites. Now I know he doesn’t wan’t to reconcile but I can’t get him off my mind. I don’t want to think of him. I know he doesn’t think of me and I’ve excepted that, or have I?

Amanda August 5, 2011 at 5:23 am

I am struggling to let go of a relationship that I don’t want to. We have been together over a year. In that year, he was dishonest with me about being with someone else when we first started dating – but I forgave him – and then I found him in a very sexually charged flirtation with another woman…and I again forgave him. But unfortunately the trust was just damaged, I guess he finally got tired or me questioning him. And on Sunday ( a month ago) he loved me and couldn’t wait to see me on Monday…and on Monday he was done with me FOR GOOD. We have kept in contact (or I should say I have kept in contact with him) for the last month and it always just ends up me crying and trying to fix things and him telling me it’s too late. He loves me but it’s over. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think. I went to a baseball game with someone in order to try to get my mind off of things…and he then began to call me a whore. I was in a stadium with 60,000 people….but I guess he was concerned more happened (which didn’t). It was a one time, just hang out kinda thing. But my heart broke hearing him say such hurtful things. At that point I realized that I had to let go. To discontinue contact completely. But then I worry if he doesn’t hear from me he will forget me I will never hear from him again…that I will never cross his mind again.

I see what you say about forgiveness. I am finding that so hard to do. I feel like I forgave and forgave his lies and deceit…and then he blindsides me overnight and ends it….and THEN calls me a whore because I have a date? How do I forgive that???? You don’t want me but no one else can have me either? He had told me that he needed to have some “new sexual experiences” (meaning he wanted to have sex with other women) but he wanted me to be okay with it…it wasn’t that he didn’t love me…but he had been in long term relationship most of his adult life, and he needed to sow some wild oats. How do I forgive that??? How do I not feel forgotten, replaced, used and just plain broken? I want to move on…I want to wake up and not think about him…I want to wake up and not hope to hear from him (because I only end up disappointed) I don’t know how and it’s actually crippling my life right now. I leave work, feed my children, take a xanax and go to bed. I have lost weight (only bright side to all of this) because I can’t eat. I just want to not wake up anymore. How long does it take to heal????

Love Coach Rinatta August 5, 2011 at 10:56 am

Amanda, you said: “How do I not feel forgotten, replaced, used and just plain broken? I want to move on…I want to wake up and not think about him…I want to wake up and not hope to hear from him (because I only end up disappointed) I don’t know how and it’s actually crippling my life right now. I leave work, feed my children, take a xanax and go to bed. I have lost weight (only bright side to all of this) because I can’t eat. I just want to not wake up anymore. How long does it take to heal????”

Time does not heal. You could feel like this for a very, very long time. Some people never let go. Others move on, but still hurt over past relationships. That’s why I wrote this article. Read it, do what is says and if you still can’t let go, consider working with me as coach, so that you can move on and let go.

Selena July 25, 2011 at 5:07 pm

Hi,

Iv been with my boyf for over 5years and I feel as though its coming to an end but I am finding it hard to let go. He talks to me in a disrespectful way and doesn’t care what I have to say, maybe because I call him constantly because I don’t trust him or want him to care about me.

I don’t know how to let go of him, but want to as I know he doesn’t care no more

bungie June 17, 2011 at 3:27 pm

I was in a realationship with a man that gave up his job of 18yrs, and moved back home to be with me.. we never had a fight at all never yelled. If you seen us we were the picture prefect couple, we always had the best time together.. He was just get out of a divorce but has been sperated for awhil, and dated on and off. after 5months of living together he woke up one day and said I cant do this anymore. I was floored we were looking at houses and talking about getting married when he was ready which I never talked about he did.. 4 months to the day that he left me he was dating a woman that used to babysit him, I know age is not to be a factor but really his old babysitter, he never reach out to me the whole time I would only see him at bowling every two week that ended in may of this year. he took me off FB and I never caused a problem, at all never went to where he was living with his mom and dad. Yes I reached out to him and I tryed, to understand what happen. He said after being about from me he said he had to test if he really loved me and reach out to this other woman… I cant understand it.. I showed him how to love again, laugh, have fun, and a life without any drama in it…. I knew him for over 25yrs. I just dont get it.. He said when he was ready to date again he would give us a second chance.. which I never got… He living life and being happy and Iam totally lost and heartbroken, I am having a ruff time with all of this and Iam therapy once a week… I NEVER want to date again. I have not children and have never been married and have always taken care of myself.. Every man has walked out on me.. And cant understand it.. I work pay my own bills NEVER asked for help never….. I stood by him when he came to me wanting to be closer to home.. there is a part of me that wishes that we were still taking turn driving 4hrs one way to see each other every two weeks. I miss my best friend, He acts like he doesnt even know me, and never done anything to hurt him, never cheated nothing….

The last choice June 14, 2011 at 6:31 pm

Before my relationship he told me he liked two other girls. He asked them out, the first one said no the second one had a boyfriend and the third was me and I said yes because I really
Liked him and that slowly changed to love. He had told me before that he liked the girl with the boyfriend but missed his chance. So the last two days of my relationship with him he was talking to this other girl who was dating his friend so much, I mean to the point of he was always talking to her, then he broke up with me. But what I thought was interesting was that she tried to break up the girl he liked with her boyfriend. After all this the girl breaks up with her boyfriend and now they are going out.when we broke up he said let’s be friends then about a week later I asked are we friends and he replies with a “I guess no :)” It just hurts to see how much I loved him and he just throws me away. Before our relationship we were close friends but now we just throw nasty comments at each other. I just want to cry every time I see them and I just feel torn apart.

Pinky April 13, 2011 at 10:14 am

Canali,
So much of what you say I have felt and been through in the last 2 years. Over time things do get better and you will come out of this much stronger than you were before. Why would you want to be with someone that treats you this way? There are good people out there and maybe someday you will see that as much as I have. Love yourself enough to move one from this!

an February 8, 2011 at 3:24 am

my ex is with another girl!
the girl is my best friend who i trusted a lot!
she even promised me that she dose not like him and crap!
now they are together to make me J!!
wat am i suppose to do? :(

Fay Pugh December 23, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Thanks for sharing, but I have to wonder, if you can’t take feedback and don’t want to change, what are you doing commenting on a relationship coaching blog? Those of us who are unwilling or unable to change our mind about how we feel, think and behave do ourselves a great deal of disservice, as we cause ourselves unnecessary pain and suffering.

melissa November 3, 2010 at 8:14 am

hello, im a 24 year old woman been in a relationship for 5yrs with this guy, i just don’t understand what he wants he wants me then he dosen’t so confusing we had a short break up and i tried my hardest not to think about him i still loved him deeply, and didn’t want anyone eles or was looking, but we started talking again about a month after our split and now im finding out that he was trying to sleep with other girls im upset that he can do try to move on so fast to be with other it hurts so much that i can’t forget it it stuck in my brain how can i just move on without being so angry..

Sydnee August 29, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Love Coach Rinatta,
Your blog made me open my mind to another way of thinking (about my situation). I was aways confused of why I kept my husband around, I could never explain why I did. You put it perfectly when you said that we (those hurt) wanted to allow them to make right their (offender) wrongs. Now I know that’s exactly what I’m doing. This is the first time I’ve been to identify with why he’s still around. I know he’s done the best he could do, even though it was not the best for me. The bad thing is that we are still married and living together in a sexless unintimate relationship. I took him back in a horrible time in my life. He had left me pregnant and after a series of unfortunate events I ended up living in a hotel with my 18mo. old son. He came back to us when both he and I were in a bad state in lives. I had never stopped loving him yet he had stopped loving me. We ended up getting married I think because he thought it was the right thing to do and me because I believed it was what I had always wanted from him. Through out our marriage (and because of a drug addiction I wasn’t aware of) he has left us several times and has cheated on me (with whom I later learned was the “love of his life” per letters I found hidden in our home). Each time he left he begged me to let him come back home, usually after 1wk-1mo. Each time I let him for the sake of our child, who had become real close to his dad. This went on for several years, until he gave up drugs (through rehab) and started going to church, which he had always been against up until 2 yrs ago. Long story short, he still does not have sex with me, we have throughout our 7 yr. marriage had sex maybe a total of 10 times. He claims to love me with all his heart. He text messages me throughout the day just to say hi and that he loves me and misses me yet we have Never made out throughout the whole marriage and we still don’t have sex. I am the bread winner in the house and he works hard but still has to pay for the wrongs he’s done in his life so only brings home at least $150 a week, when I’m paying $800-$1200 in bills every two weeks. He says if the roles were reversed he wouldn’t complain yet I do not have an intimate relationship, support nor anything else with him. I believe he’s not seeing anyone else for the past 2 yrs since he’s has spent his time on concequences of his actions and I believe he does love me in some way but I don’t think he’s in love with me. I have communicated my feelings with him and he says he resents me for saying he doesn’t love me because I’m not him and when I say I don’t feel married he says this is a marriage. I just really need intimacy in my life and I know for a fact that everything I’ve done to try and jump start our relationship he has rejected. I’ve even gone as far and lose weight, get fit (I know I’m not all the way there) but it’s all gone unnoticed. I’m so bitter and resentful that I’m making things uncomfortable for my family. I feel as if he doesn’t leave then I should but I know he does not make enough to support himself and I know my son 10yrs old now will be devistated since he does not know why I’m so angry nor would I ever tell him since it’s between my husband and I. Things are ok otherwise, he helps in the house and has always made breakfast for us but it’s not enough for me. I have been depressed all weekend and that is how I came across this article/blog. I was looking for ways in letting go. I know this is not the kind of relationship the blog is all about but it has opened my eyes to why I kept him around. I have been waiting for him to right the wrongs yet I know it will never happen so I just need to forgive all the wrongs to heal myself. This is not a relationship I wish upon anyone but I hope it helps another see that once the bad signs are around things will not get better and it’s easier to get out from the beginning then getting out later. Good Luck everyone and I pray for each and every one of you.

Confused August 27, 2010 at 10:39 am

I have/am dealing with the same problem. It’s been almost 2 years now since my fiance left me suddenly for another woman and married her within a few months. The thoughts/feelings still come up every day many times. It’s feelings of longing, missing, “what if”, anger, etc. I now know I could not have done better than I did at the time, yet I blame myself for failing so miserably, eventhough I didn’t do anything wrong. I have come to realize the problem was not me, but he was a serial cheater. I am angry at myself most of the time for not being what exactly what he wanted, and on the other hand for ever falling in love with him. I went cold turkey over a year ago with absolutely no contact on my part. I changed my phone number, disappeared from the web, and vowed NEVER to answer if he would email. I did not believe he would ever email, but he did after 6 months, and then again after 10 months of no contact on my part. The first time it was not much, the second time he told me that he thinks of me, misses me, and wonders how I am doing. I so very much would like to answer that email, but I’m afraid for him it’s nothing more than just “checking” on me or plain curiousity and not love or any intention to be back together????? It’s paralizing, so I keep sticking to my no contact rule, eventhough I want nothing more in this world than him back. Well, he is married, so what is the point of me even thinking of him. But I do every day. I can’t listen to the radio, I can’t watch movies. It all always reminds me of him. It’s a mess. On the other hand I am making new male friends to keep myself busy and distracted. But falling in love with someone new is still not working. But the new friends make me feel better about myself and I realize I’m not a failure. There are many guys out there who would give anything to be with me. But it’s like my heart is stuck in the past. I liked Canali’s way of putting it, there is “No Vacancy” in my heart, although it’s empty. I hope it’s just under re-construction and not destroyed forever. I relate to Canali. It sounds like we are in the same boat. It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him. And when he then contacts me saying that he thinks of me and wonders how I am doing, I have not a clue what he really is saying? Should I be polite and answer it, or just ignore it as I have been doing so far? Is he sorry for leaving? Does he want to come back? It’s just confusing and hurting. But I stay with no contact because I don’t know what else to do. And I try to keep busy with work and new friends, hoping that one day this ordeal will be over.

Love Coach Rinatta August 27, 2010 at 10:58 am

Dear Confused, the pain will not just go away unfortunately. Either some wonderful guy will come and sweep you off your feet, or more likely, the no vacancy sign will get stuck in place. Recovery needs to be a verb. Recover by taking recovery steps. Read through this blog, I have many articles with very specific action steps to take to recover your heart.

And if you need help, I am always available to coach you. In fact did you know I am having a coaching sale right now, where you can get coaching – and relief from pain! – at half off the regular price? Take a look at http://www.lovecoachblog.com/sale

canali August 27, 2010 at 11:17 am

i say stick with NC…keep focusing on you…I’m not destroyed forever (and hopefully you aren’t either)….we both need to continue being proactive and know that healing and getting empowered again are ongoing processes that sometimes go forward, then backwards…I know for me (didn’t disclose this earlier) that losing both parents at a very young age (4) has left some hurtful trigger buttons around themes of ‘goodbye’ and ‘letting go’..such will be an ongoing battle sometimes…just that NEVER has any relationship triggered such staying stuck for this long…NEVER (ay vay!) .maybe then, my ultimate lesson from the universe and this gig was to be a big teacher: ie that I do have to ‘go back’and do some healing and/or some ‘reprogramming’ in cognitive/behavioural terms …easier said than done).

Last poster’s comment: ”It’s much anger at oneself for not being who my ex wanted/needed and for wasting my time/heart on him.”…i don’t think that you (nor I) really believe that either…let’s feel bad but not stay in ‘victim’ mode too long…as dumpers they also can feel guilty (both parties are healing I’m sure and hopefully going over lessons learned)….you and I just have to keep focusing on ourselves and as Rinatta suggested whenever thoughts bring us back to the ex, to redirect them to something present in our lives….the more self care we engage in consistently with new goals etc, the better we’ll steer our sails…’water seeks it’s own level’…let’s then our water levels be brighter fuller ones to attract equally good people.

I made mistakes in my gig (as i’m sure you did too)..just as THEY did too…we’re all the walking wounded in some form stumbling our ways through life to find happiness in the best way possible..but for now let’s focus on US.

canali August 27, 2010 at 11:20 am

confused: you can always block their emails too, you know…I’ve done it in 3 ways (fb, hotmail and from work email)…maybe in the future I will be more open to a friendship with my exgal …she is a good person (we both made mistakes)…but for now the pain is still too tender to consider such… and ’tis best to cut off all contact….just my thoughts.

canali August 26, 2010 at 12:24 pm

lastly i don’t believe her last email in stating she never loved me nor was ever attracted to me nor was i the man for her (her many email of affection earlier show otherwise…i think it was retailitory to push me away go try to have me move on)

Dan August 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Needing forgiveness or not seldom has anything to do with the other person. The biggest mistake I see is not moving on due to waiting for the person you broke up with not being who you want, even after the breakup. Anger and no need for friendship or contact works too, as long as it doesn’t cause you to be self-destructive. Needing the other person to say sorry (genuinely) is probably a bad idea…for those who WANT forgiveness from someone, the forgiveness should only be required from yourself, otherwise it is just excess baggage. Whatever it is you do or don’t need, do what you have to to take that baggage and throw it out somewhere you’ll never see it again. The question is whether you are really moving on or not…ask yourself if your life is more limited because of true learning (wisdom), or because of baggage. There is a difference.

canali August 26, 2010 at 4:54 pm

i’m fully aware that forgiveness and moving on (just like with happiness) is not due to ‘the other’ person…just that i have no motivation at all to date or get close again…to be frank, why bother? most–if not all–relationships do end and the vast majority don’t make it ‘forever’ …and if they do aren’t often very happy ones (ie the quantity of time together doesn’t necessarily mean quality of time together)…sure everything is great in the beginning (which is mother nature playing tricks with our hormones, psyches and such to mate), but after, 2, 5 10 or howmany years most dissolve…sure there are plenty of good times etc…but am not sure if the fallout/heartache is worth it…my heart is just displaying a ‘no vacancy’ sign right now…maybe if the right person comes along I’ll reopen for business, but a relationship right now (even dating) is as palatable as going to see the dentist for a filling….no thanks!

Love Coach Rinatta August 27, 2010 at 7:47 am

If you were to deal with the pain of past relationship you would find yourself yet again open to love. Perhaps love does not last, but perhaps it does if we have the skills to make it last and pick the right partner.

canali August 27, 2010 at 8:21 am

no thanks…it doesn’t last, bottom line…that’s reality for the vast majority of us…and alot of the anger I have (as per one other poster’s comment) is really towards myself with alot of regret…alot of this is forgiving myself, too….was my first time with a single mom and her 18 yr old daughter who was difficult and challenging at time, ie in front of me and her mom would tell her (my ex/her mom) ‘f…k you’…or ‘kiss my ass’ etc…and the mom wanted me to bond with THAT sort of behaviour? NOT!…but i stewed instead, building up resentment…upon one meditation it came to me that i was looking too much at behaviours and not deeper into her heart …should have spent more time with daughter alone engaging her trust…getting to know her fears etc…but I didn’t …i came up short (but I did send a heartfelt xmas/bd note and present to her 3 mo after our bustup)…yet still to this day I go back and forth: between anger at what I put up with and also at regret for not being more loving andassertive/ courageous too.

canali August 26, 2010 at 4:57 pm

everyone has baggage, btw…everyone…

canali August 26, 2010 at 12:23 pm

and to be frank, i honestly of course do NOT wish to harm my ex….but when she contacted me it brought up huge amts of sadness, pain, anger, regret, longing etc….I didn’t pursue her when we broke up (sexually in the end I wasn’t attracted to her, as I had so much unresolved anger esp towards her 18 yr old daughter’s acting out of disrespect towards her mom (my ex) and the lack of boundaries…was my 1st time dating a single mom and in hindsight I would have done many things differently: acted more assertively and yet compassionately instead of stewing and being passive agressive….but we did SO many things together and I miss alot of that..sure I overinvested in her and should have diversified myself (as i am doing now)…but it just ain’t the same…and i have no ambition or desire (2 yrs later) to even start dating…every day I still think of her…every single frustrating day…

canali August 26, 2010 at 12:16 pm

me and my girlfriend busted up over 2 yrs ago….we both acted stupidly in the end (ego, pride etc…all the sins shared by many doing bananahead behaviours)…2 yrs later I still have no wish to get involved again…she met some guy 1 month later and he proposed 5 mo later and they were married almost 1 yr later…why should I forgive…f*ck that!..tells me in the end that she ‘never loved me’ but stayed wtih me ’cause i was a good guy, a nice guy’ oh yeah, then go f*ck yourself….she texts me after 1 yr of NC on my part saying she’s been thinking of me lately and hoping my life is ‘filled with joy and happiness’ and to drop her a line letting her know how i’m doing’…yeah, don’t hold your breath…i’ve blocked her on FB, from hotmail and from my work emails…NEVER will I contact her again…and should i run into her again i’ll just smile say ‘hello’ and keep walking….we actually did bump into one another 7 mo after we broke up and she wanted to go for a coffee…i declined (was still hurting..why give her that power?)…she looked hurt…hope the guilt rots her guts.

Chuck August 12, 2010 at 10:10 am

I’m sorry, but I disagree with the “forgiveness” angle to “move on”.
Let’s say that one does forgive the actions and inaction of an ex and does let them leave their lives. What has the person learned? Really? That relationships end and we forgive the damage done? When we carry that with us into the next relationship, if we choose, eventually to give another one a try, isn’t how the last one ended in the not so back of our minds? What about the issue of trust? Do we have a strong a belief that we can trust the new person not to cause the same damage or worse? And, yes, we can talk to the new person until we’re blue in the face about what our trust issues are, if we are the thoughtful type that has done the deep soul searching and self understanding needed before any serious relationship.
“Forgiving” does not protect one from future harm. Please don’t try the trite response that love doesn’t mean not getting hurt.
You can’t tell that to someone who has been hurt again and again by different types of people and expect them to believe it after a while. The reality of their experiences trumps that view.
Now, yes, one can look long and wide for people that, baggage or not, are willing to be honest, clear and responsible in their communication before and during a relationship, but forgiving a person does not mean that they will learn from the relationship’s end and make their next one better.
In addition, if the relationship ended because one person got cold feet, had mental issues or was influenced by jealous friends the relationship ended due to an imbalance placed upon it.
Yes, it would be nice to be able to date people that are at the same or higher level as us. But that’s not easy. And the more we “learn” after a relationship ends the more damage and baggage we accumulate. Only so much of that can be self healed by going out and “living in the moment”. The moment eventually ends and we’re left with who we are. Yes, we can improve ourselves and our situation, but we are still who we are and what we need.
The vague idea of “move on” does not deal with the baggage.
And years of therapy to improve self esteem does not change the landscape of who’s available to date. In fact, as the years wear on, the number of available partners decreases. Again, that’s reality.
Are these people wrong for hoping to resolve their past hurts and deep damages? If no, what, exactly, other than “live in the moment and improve yourself” do you really say to them?
And when they say that doesn’t work?
Then what?
People know what the root cause of many of their issues are.
There are times, especially when the person involved is alive, when they have to be resolved or the trauma will only mutate into something worse later.
Your choice.

Dee July 30, 2010 at 8:53 am

I have been in a relationship with a woman I feel is my soul mate. We were together for 2 yrs got engaged,when I made some mistakes. So we split up. Since that split we have still been in touch and have gone out on dates gone away etc etc. She in that yr has found someone and had been going back and forth with me and her. She loves me fills my needs and me hers. But something keeps drawing her back to the other woman then back to me. I know she is confused and it it hard on all 3 of us. I don’t like being the other woman especially since I was number one. The new person in her life knows about our past relationship however knows nothing about us sneaking around for the last yr. She has no clue about our going away and still sleeping together.My ex has broken up with her new love a few times and comes to me but ends up back with her. I’m the ones she calls when she needs something or if something comes up that needs to get done not the new interest. I want her back in my life as my partner because we both know we still love each other very much. She claims there is something that keeps drawing her back to the new interest and she needs to figure it out yet we still have each other in an affair kind of way. We just keeping coming back to each other. How do I get her back? How do we stop the back and forth? How does she figure out what it is with the new interest so this can stop and we can be together all the time not just part time?
The love and connection we share in our lives is incredible we connect in ways most couples never see. Our lives flow together smoothly we want each other, but this attraction of the other person keeps bringing her back to her, then back to me. Her own children and family members would love to see us back too. They don’t care for the other person and have told there mom/sister that there is something strange about her and they don’t like her. I know it needs to stop one way or the other but I so want her back. We both have tried to leave and not speak but as I said we keep coming back to each other. Something in the universe has connected us in a way I can’t explain and neither can she. Any help out there?

Sarah July 24, 2010 at 2:35 am

I have been on and off with my boy for 4and a half yrs. We split for 11months last yr but still saw and spoke to each other before having 2months with no contact when he rang and said he was in love still and felt we could work out our problems(mostly trust and jealously) which he no longer gets and I now have major jealously issues I feel like maybe im punishing him for the hell he put my life through with his constant acusations. We have been living together for 6months we were going so well than I wanted to seperate, we sorted that out and now we have started to fight it starts so small,blows so bad out of proportion to point where it feels like my heart breaks every week He cant handle it he walks out I threaten to leave but cant bear to walk away from him and the pain, the tears, the anxiety starts its so extreme I feel like I have lived through a break up every week for the past few weeks. I dont know how to sort it out he tells me every fight is my fault blames me for everything, when I try to voice my opinion he says im sorry im so sorry so insencrerly tells me i always cry its cause im hurting. Neither is ready to end it but I feel that I spent 11months getting myself back together to have him win me over only to find myself trapped in a realtionship where we fight all the time over nothing, I know were both hurting and neither knows how to stop the pain or fix a disagreement from blowing out of control. I feel I am hurting so bad while im with him if it was to end the pain would be unbearable. Im cant suffer anymore it feels my heart is constantly ripped out. We were such a on and off couple I know that people judged us so harshly when we got back together that to end it would look like the biggest failures and I dont want it to end but I cant handle the pain anymore.

jenna July 13, 2010 at 2:26 pm

What if my ex has not asked for forgiveness? How can you let go and forgive if your ex does not even show any sign of wrongness from their side?

Dan July 13, 2010 at 8:53 pm

Jenna, it is not about what they believe is right or wrong. All I have known, all the woman I have known, are well-described as torture. Books could be written about what the woman I love and myself have been through as beyond antying the Nazis have dreamt. I know people who were kidnapped, raped, and tortured till death. I know people who jumped out of cars to run from murderers and rapists. I know murder victims who died trying to save me. Why do you need your ex to say he is wrong? It is not about him. It never was. It is about you moving on with your life. It is about you doing what is right for you. If you wait for someone to acknowledge wrong, then it is about them, not about you.

There are so many times I hate myself for the things I “let” happen to myself. I know my old friend/roomate has never forgiven herself for things I would die to stop from happening. That there are incredible pains, incredible self-destructive lives, which I would die for to stop from happening. To forgive your “ex” has nothing to do with what he wants. To forgive him is purely from who you are. To forgive him changes who your soul is. If you wish to forgive him, forgive him for who you are, not for who he is. If you have a life of anger, you will destroy yourself, you will never really love again. There is nothing else that matters.

Just so you know, I have known torture, rape, murder. I have known what it is like to love and lose everything you know. I do not say lightly what I say, but what you have to do, more than anything, is to love what is right with YOU.

GL July 4, 2010 at 7:41 pm

In November of 2008, after 13 years of marriage my husband decided to end our marriage. Problem is we are still living together due to financial obligations. It has been 20 months since he decided he no longer wants to be married. He has asked me repeatedly to let go. Tell me how am I suppose to let go when 1) I don’t want a divorce because I believe we can work through our problems; 2) We are still in the same house; and 3) There are no immediate plans to get a divorce until debt has been paid down? Truly complicated but looking for answers.

Dan July 13, 2010 at 8:43 pm

I answer not because you need an answer. Understand, I am a guy. I do not know if you need to let go. I do understand real love, I do understand the loss of real love. I believe that the human soul is here for a reason, that life has a meaning beyond what we know. I believe we are here to shape our souls, that something in life and something beyond life remain together. What I suggest is not for a reason, it is because I think this life gives you a place in life beyond where you are now. There is a book you should read, “The Myth of Freedom”.

All of those years together may mean different things to the person you love, than to you. The more personal, the more intimate things are, the deeper the pain, the deeper the argument. Relationships with more feeling mean arguments which hurt more. If you understand me, the person writing this, you would be in extraordinary pain, but you would also understand that there is hope. Hope is what you make of it, hope is not individual. I do not believe a lot of good from what you describe, but I do believe you should not give up hope. You place your hope in one person, you should instead place your hope in many persons, one of them is yourself.

LR June 25, 2010 at 9:37 am

I have been best friends with my boyfriend for 10 years and in a very serious relationship for the past 6 years. We were recently discussing marriage for the past 6 months.
We have had huge issues with our families about our relationship. His family has come to terms with it, but mine has not.
He has now decided to break up with me because he cannot deal with my mom. I dont blame him, but i cannot stand to see him go.
I am so broken and i dont know what to do.

LR June 25, 2010 at 9:39 am

EDIT: I kno he loves and cares for me, but my mother is putting a huge strain on our relationship. He tells me that he does not want to leave the relatnoship but he has no choice and he cannot see my mother getting any better.
I have tried to get my mother to understand but nothing has worked.

Audrey May 25, 2010 at 6:01 am

Coach Love,
I met my friend back in October 2009 on line. He lives about 1 and 1/2 hour from me. I have a son and my free weekends and the weekends he was off from work did not click until a holiday week when my son was out of town. We had sent texts to each other for 5 months. We only spoke a few times but texted a lot. We had dinner in April 2010 and it was wonderful. After that he sent me a text asking “what can we do to work on this long distance relationship”? He said he did not like long distance relationships but I do not like smokers and he smokes. We have been seeing each other once or twice a week for a month. Last Friday he and I were thinking about this long distace relationship. I thought we were moving good he said things seem fine. A few days ago I told him that I miss him and he could not tell me that he missed me also, he took the 5th. He said that sometimes men have to make decions that women do not understand but it is best for the situation. That gave me no answer. He and I both are divorced with kids. He needs to stay near his kids and his father. He even currently lives with his sister to keep their deceased mom’s home. He helps his divorced sister with her daughter. My ex husband is not the best father for my son but he deserves the time with our son. We both have baggage. I have noticed this weekend that he is not responding to me as soon as he did last week. He only responded to me once yesterday. I see the signs coming. We have only really been on a serious level for a month but I know it is time to let it go, or should I wait for those words to come out of his mouth?

Dan May 15, 2010 at 10:55 pm

I have been pushed away to protect me from her world, which has not been a good world. She has suffered more than everyone I know put together. Growing up, it has taken me a very long time to come to terms with the extraordinary pain I lived through. Yet this person got me through more pain than I thought I could survive. She had to move on, she had to leave behind that world of pain. We were roommates, friends, and trustees to what none of us should have ever trusted again in our lives. She was not a romantic relation, but every relation she has had I have done 100% to help her succeed in, because it was not me she needed. I can never not love her. I don’t know how to let go of this closeness, but have moved out. I cannot help her in the troubles to come for her, and that hurts. How do I stop trying to help her? She is the reason I wake up, the reason I care about being alive. So many rotten things have happened to both of us, that have destroyed us, that I don’t know how to care about my own life, yet I learned to care about her life. Now I can’t be the one the helps her…she has moved on. To love her, to help her, to let go…all at the same time. I do not want my life protected, it becomes that old saying about the operation being a success, but the patient died…I want my soul to care about waking up each day. I do not care about living a long life without that soul.

Love Coach Rinatta May 17, 2010 at 7:36 am

For all of you who are hurting and can’t let go of your relationship, here’s something that might help. Go to my Facebook page and listen to my latest radio show on what to do when he or she is not into you.

If you listen to the whole show and do what I recommend, you will feel better. And while you are there, if you like it, click the Like button.

Love Coach Rinatta

charie marie camance May 14, 2010 at 10:24 am

dear liza,

hi im charie it been 6 months that me and my boyfriend brake up and i got a difficulty of accpeting the fact that he is gone..my boyfriend is a nice man he is the man i prayed for ..i though wer ok and happy we have god we prayed together and go church together he is the perfect man for me that i want to share my life with tell god will come..its january wen we brake up and until now its still hard i say i forgive him but its not easy to forget him after all the things we had…now we are friends we talk and he even call me every friday to pary we brake up good..and now can i ask u is there any possibilities for us to get back together..how can i cope up with this pls help me..thanks

Nikita May 7, 2010 at 4:38 pm

After reading your article I found it in a way, comforting but I do not totally agree with you about the forgivness thing.

I myself am in the same position as your clients as well as many of the people who have commented. It is important to forgive an ex so that you are free from any bitterness and feel ready to move on but it doesnt answer the question of.. how do you go about forgiving and moving on?

I met my ex 3 years ago but we have never been exclusive as we lived quite far apart and had very different lives (I was still in education while he worked full time). Throughout this time my feelings grew deeply for him and although I suspected he was seeing other women, I did not date anyone else. Over the years I have been a constant support to him, and have always been there for him. I attended family events, weddings, parties etc. We are very close and although I know he cares for me, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It was only recently that he admited to me that he has been seeing other women and that himself and I could never be in an exclusive relationship. My ultimatium was either stay available for him to contact or meet every so often or there was no point in us even being friends. This boy has given me so many great moments, has spent hours upon hours talking to me about everything and anything… we have hundreds of personal jokes, movies we both like, songs that remind us of each other. He open up a whole new world for me.. so needless to say I was crushed.

People have many reasons for not wanting to move on from a relationship. If I am to be honest, my reason for not wanting to move on is that I feel I put a lot into the relationship and have so many special moments and had such a great connection with this person. I do not want to throw the towel in when maybe just maybe things could work out, that my ex will change.. the heartbreaking fact I had to face is that they will not change especially if I allow them to walk over me.

I believe the way to move on from relationships like these is distance. Being in constant contact with an ex is too painful especially when they seem ok with the break-up (or as in my case; seem ok with not wanting to be with JUST you). What I have found especially hurtful was how the ex talks about how great their life is (without you) while your struggling to imagine a life without your partner in it. You need to be strong and cut this person from your life, even if it’s just temporary. I know it sounds harsh but this is not you being mean ..there is no point in torturing youself. If your ex is not willing to stay or be in a relationship with you, then they should not get to lean on you for any type of support whether it be for comfort or just company. I also think it is good to be mad at your ex for a while.. (but when I say mad I do not mean bitter and hurtful towards them). As childish as it sounds I told myself I was angry or ‘huffing’ with my ex, which stopped me talking to him and helped me to forget my feelings of love for him. Also, this may sound a bit strange but I wrote a letter to myself which details all the annoying and bad things about my ex and reasons why I shouldn’t be with HIM. I recommend everyone do this. Write some positive things about yourself in it too. I have often read this letter when I start to miss my ex.. and it makes me feel a lot better. You need to be selfish and think about yourself.. These exes were lucky to be part of your life not the other way about…Treat yourself, find a distraction..The expression “don’t make someone your everything, if to them your only an option” is a rule I now really listen to… Little by little the pain and hurt will fade (I can promise this) and it will eventually lead to you forgiving your ex and being able to move on.

Kate January 23, 2010 at 5:25 am

Dear Love Coach Rinatta,

My situation is still so blurry to me, and Im hoping you could provide me with some insight and advice. I now am out of an on again, off again relationship once again that has been unstable since the beginning, which was almost two years ago. This guy has walked out on me so many times! The breakup took place a week ago today and I am still so angry, that I cant get through my days. I miss alot of things about him, but at the same time this is almost like a breath of fresh air and is probably for the best. He and I continue to exchange words about why our relationship didnt work out. His actions caused me to blow up the night before he left. I dont think he will ever understand why I got so upset. But what im angry about is that he promised me this last time around that he would never walk out on me again and that he would stick by my side and we would get through anything because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and he wasnt willing to lose me again. I feel like I cant put closure to us until I get my point across that he once again, let me down and gave up on us. I want him to know that he didnt put fourth the effort he promised he would. WHY? Why did he feel the need to walk out on me again and not want to fix this. Is he fed up? If so, why does he keep coming in and out of my life and back for more? Obviously he’s unhappy. Why does he feel he can come and go as he pleases? I am trying to take your advice and just forgive him. I am trying to tell myself that he gave his best and now its time to move on. But I cant seem to do that because I dont feel like he gave it his best AT ALL! Please help me put closure..I love him dearly and just need to say enough is enough, its time to move on and let go.

Mario December 30, 2009 at 6:59 am

hi,
I’m a guy. I’m the “other” too. I knew she was with someone after meeting her for a week. She pretended her relationship was ending. She pretended that HE had been hurting her for so long and that I was the answer to her prayers. So that is why I decided to go on in this affair instead of that BIG red flag. It’s been 2 years since she told that to me. She said she was going to quit him….that I had to be patient…..two years since then…and still waiting for these problems to resolve.
She has done horrible things. I’ve tryed to quit her three times…but she always comes to me saying that she is not going to do it again, that it’s me the one she loves… so I say “ok, let’s try again”…and 2 or 3 days after this, she starts over again: she meets him, she is not tender, she doesn’t say “I love you” for weeks….(she pretends it is her way of loving…) she doesn’t answer to my calls…and I know that she doesn’t answer because she is with him (she admits it) ,etc….post-relational friendship between them?….ouffff!….I cannot accept their “friendship” because it’s been too hard for me….when I try to get away she says she loves me, that she is not going to see him again, etc…… like this last time: I thought she was going to do the THINGS to repair my trust……and……what happened?….she celebrated Christmas night with HIM…not with me….and still she pretends that she had to do it because bla, bla, bla…!! and that he was alone in this city, and bla, bla….

the QUESTION is:
if forgiveness is the answer to forget and to let her go……HOW can ANYONE forgive such a liar? such a manipulating person?…I try, but I can’t find the way…

I hate her and I love her at the same time…..you can’t imagine how I hate her….and at the same time i can’t forget her wonderful smile….
I’d love to forget even what her name is…
i feel really stucked…. and I’m going crazy…am I a too-jaleous-guy? I don’t know anything anymore….

indigo December 28, 2009 at 7:57 pm

I am going through a breakup too. The guy that I was with, at the beginning of the relationship broke my trust. He was lying about his past (who he was with, what he did, etc. ) After that we have had a rough time because I was always hurt and never able to forgive him fully. I was always on guard of it happening again. This caused him to bend over backwards a lot to prove to me he wasn’t lying. I think he got tired of it finally, (after a year and a half) because things are really falling apart. He seems to be letting go. The thought of him letting go is making me feel insane and hurt and emotional. It is causing me to say mean things, which is pushing him away even further. And when I do try to use all my willpower to pull away a bit, and if he says he misses me, then I start to feel guilty or angry or hopeful, a mix of emotions, and then I end up saying something mean again and it keeps happening. I am having such a hard time accepting that it is over, and moreso accepting that he is letting go of me. I guess the relationship really was based on need more than love, because I feel like I’m almost letting go of the addiction of having him there for me all the time. I keep checking my phone just for the comfort of seeing whether or not he called/texted. If he does text a nice message I feel guilty, if he doesn’t I feel angry. I don’t know what to do anymore. It is making me insane.

Love Coach Rinatta December 28, 2009 at 9:52 pm

Dear Indigo, answer this question: How do you want to behave, how do you want to feel?
Now do that! Will yourself to do what you choose to do, rather than reacting and then feeling out of control with your reactions.

k November 25, 2009 at 10:15 pm

It has been 2 years and I’ve let go of a lot but not enough. The article helped. Yes, some of the time I got just what I most wanted. And…he did not love me, and after he bruised me, could not speak to me about it. I felt I needed to go, that that wasn’t acceptable. And I feel like the abandoned one. I know all the “old stuff” running here but it’s getting in the way of fully moving on. I know abuse isn’t acceptable (and that there was emotional abuse – how could I have forgotten that? but I just now remembered it… I guess I got fixated on how alone I feel right now and how unsafe it feels to move to anything new). Well, some learning there, I guess. For the record I know I’ve got flaws. I work so hard at being a better person. I would love to be loved for who I am and not used for what I have to offer and found wanting. Pity party done. On we go. Love and good wishes to all here.

Julia Serrier November 23, 2009 at 3:34 am

I am 16 and had been in a rough relationship since i was 14. We began seeing each other for 6 months and i really like him the whole time even though i knew he was seeing other girls. I was often hurt and ignored by him, finally we made it “official”. Everything to me seemed fine, although i noticed i could never really express my emotions to him. 2 months into our relationship he cheated on me and during that hole week he did not contact me, where i live there is schoolies after school as finished for everyone who had finished school for good and he was there with his gfriends and a few girls. Throughout that whole week he did not contact me until it was finished. I found out 3 months later and he loied for 2 months and then addmitted it was true. We still stayed together. After that i was so hurt and thought it would make me get over it by having fun and getting revenge. Its the worst thing i did, the guilt was horrible! We have had so much trust issues. He is so strong and acts like he doesnt care about most things. We have been fighting so much latly and he abuses me with the most horrinble names and makes me feel so small. then he comes runing back and i always take him back. He always laughs and says to me that ill come crawling back to him, which i do. I cant help it i cant let go. I am so strong for two weeks without speaking to him then i ruin it and call and cry to him… he knows that what evcer he does i will take him back. On the weekend we had an argument and i told him to not ever speak to me like that or leave me alone for good. he did and then hcalled me after the weekend and was trying to talk to me and see me and when i said no why r u doing this to me i need to move on from you he said to me, “fine just to help u and letting you know i cheated on you last night and two nights before that” i hung up on him straight away in hysterics. i texted him 2 hours later saying” i have accepted the fact i can never take you back for that im hurting but i need to let go and move on. I thought i didnt need to know who u did it with if it was any one i knew but i think i have a right to know now because it will save me from wondering”. This is what i say all the time though stuff like this and i always get weak and call him and run back and cry. I keep beleiving he will change and everything will be fine and we will get better, its not , its breaking me and i am failing at schoool and i am having big problems with my family. Please reply to me. How do i let go?

No to just being friends November 12, 2009 at 2:09 am

Hi Natasha,

I know your pain. I’m not even trough my own pain yet. My fiance suddenly broke our relationship out of the blue. We had the perfect relationship and we never once had an argument or anything. I did not see it coming. He just wanted to be friends. And I in my devastation agreed to it, because I did not want to lose him. But then one day he tells me as a friend just a few months after he left me that he now has gotten married and if I would like to see the photos from the wedding. Believe me, you under not circumstances want to be friends. If he just wants to be friends, he is most likely seeing another woman romanticaly while he slowly can detach his feelings from you as you allow him to be your friend. It makes it all too easy for him to leave your for good. Do NOT be just his friend. He should feel the pain of losing you just as you feel the pain. And only if he feels the pain is there a chance that he will want you back and he will fight for your love back. If he doesn’t fight for your love back, there was no chance anyway that he will come back. Again, do not be just a friend. It hurts way worse than the breakup to just be a friend. You always keep hoping and not really living, until he decides to let you know that he is actually with another woman and he doesn’t even care if you are his friend. This being your friend BS is just a way of not telling you straight to the face that he just does not care about you at all. And if he did, he will fight to get your love back if you will not allow him to have you as just a friend while falling in love with someone else. So be strong, that is your only hope. Based on my own experience where I agreed to be just friends, and I lost it all in one huge blow. He does not give a crap. If he does, he will fight for it.

Natasha November 5, 2009 at 7:43 pm

I just got out of a relationship about a month ago now with a man I love dearly. Everything was fine and we hardly ever had a disagreement. I actually moved across town to be closer to him thinking that the relationship would be easier because of the distance. Then one day last month he comes by my place and tells me that he is not built for a relationship and does not ever want to be committed. I have been crushed ever since. He says he wants to be friends and I am trying to be mature and be his friend but it is difficult.

I know I need to let go of the relationship but I don’t know what steps I need to take to do that. I was so devoted and loyal to him and I just can’t understand how he could just let it go. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he would be a fool if he ever left me. What happened?

Natasha August 5, 2011 at 7:21 pm

I came across this old posting that I send over a year ago and look back and see such a sad heartbroken woman.

The year of 2010 was pretty much a blur to me because I spent that year going over and over what could have possibly gone wrong. I loved him with all my heart and wanted nothing more than him to come back to me.

In 2011 I made a decision to focus totally on myself and saw a shift in the way I felt. I bought new clothes, started exercising and prayed for this heartache to pass. Slowly and surely it has. What I realized is that the biggest gift that my ex could have given me by breaking up with me is that I have finally found myself. I don’t know if there was a time in my life where I ever really truly felt like a whole and complete person. I feel this way now and would not trade it for the world. I know what I will or will not tolerate. Also I realized that I put my ex up on a pedestal when it was truly me who was the gift to him.

We have spoken a few times since the break up and every time he has apologized to me for how I was treated. He even said to me that “I was a part of him” – Whatever that is supposed to mean.

2 weeks ago we ran into each other and he kept on telling me how great I look and looked at me with lust in his eyes. The old me would have probably have saw this as a sign of hope but the new me just said “thanks” and moved on. I can’t say that I don’t still love him because that would be a lie. I just have now realized that I love the man I first met but don’t love the man who dumped me. To me, these are 2 different people.

To all of you out there who are hurting please know that there is hope and life after a break up.

Mike November 1, 2009 at 2:12 pm

Today its been 30 days since my exgirlfrrien told me she didnt want to be in the relationship….we have been together a little over two years, she’s told me the same three times and we get back together….she is ignoring my calls, text or emails ! ! Her previous relations was violent and I decided to give her all my love and attention and its bitting me it the butt now…..I want to give her space but when I start missing her after 3 – 5 days I call and things get worst……She has not removed our memories from her house and that has me confused, she tells me its over but yes all the memories are intact……I want to let her go but I can’t ! I have been to counseling and now taking antidepressants for two days…..what do I do !

Mario December 30, 2009 at 7:07 am

maybe she doesn’t remove memories from her house because she doesn’t feel any pain when she sees these memories…so ….

laurie September 20, 2009 at 10:05 am

i have been married for 34 years and my husband i met when i was 21 and he was 22. he had just gotten back from viet nam. he was my one and only man i ever dated and the frist to have sex with. Finally after 4 years of dating he finally asked me to marry him. we had to daughters and the white picket fence life. except something was missing for me. He always wanted sex no problem but i never had an orgasm with him. I accepted it that something was wrong with me but never told him and faked it. I never trusted him and finally after 15 years of marriage i caught him cheating on me while he was away in the army for 4 months. After such a long time of being together i decided to stay but also becasue i was scared to be alone and without him. He left again for a year about 3 years ago and i started to lose weight and talk on the computer to men . i developed confidence and met 2 of them and had sex with them. i then met a man at work who i told my story to and one thing lead to another and for 1 year he was my world . my husband was home then but i couldn’t forgive him for the affair and never trusted him and now i had someone i now began to love. my lover wanted to get married but i took to long to decided what was right for me and he started to distance himself from me. I taught my life was over casue my lover wouldn’t see me anymore and never ended it with me. he now met someone on line and he seems very happy and in love with her and shes single. there going to meet soon . my husband and i r now talking and i am trying to tell him everything i never told him before. i will never tell him about my lovers though except i will never get over my last. my heart still breaks knowing i will never see him or speak to him. i think of him offen and want things to work for both of us. i hope i will be able to conquer my want for someone else but i don;’t know i realy still want his life with me. i guess this is my punishment for cheating on my husband. thank you for reading this

jonah September 15, 2009 at 1:22 pm

my current live in partner constantly contacts his ex whenever we had fights.. this relationship hurts me so much. He cheated on me many times.. i want to but dont know how to start letting go

lynn September 14, 2009 at 1:05 pm

I have been seeing a guy for about a year, our work schedules make it hard to hang out a lot. We talk and text everyday. Then one day he just stops texting and even answering the phone. It took me a few messages to realize that he didnt want to answer. But can someone tell me why he would just dissapear and not say its over? I thought he respected me more then that..
It has been like three weeks now, is this mean its over?

hn March 20, 2010 at 10:17 pm

Lynn, by him not answering your calls and contacting you, his actions are indicating that he may not want to continue with the relationship. I believe that if a guy is truly into you, he would not disappear on you like that. He hasn’t returned your calls because he may have difficulty letting you know that he wants out. You should move on and find someone who cares for you as much as you care for them.

swimmercac August 21, 2009 at 10:37 pm

Regardless of my age, I’m going through an enormous heartbreak.Please don’t make your opinions simply out of my being so young.I really need some advice, anything, but especially the truth.I met my best friend August 7th of last year.So far, this story doesn’t sound very complicated right? Just wait.He’s a male, I’m a female which lead to his unexpected interest in me once we became closer friends.That “interest” has turned into him being completely in love with me. I didn’t believe it for at least 9 months.Take in mind people that I’ve went through life being given up on by the people I care most about. First my biological mom, then many other people I trusted. So when he informed me he loved me, I did everything in my power to push him away. Make him want to leave me before I became too attached and got hurt again. Horrible way to handle things, yes I know that now, but you’d understand at that moment if you were me. Throughout our first year of being very close best friends, I hurt him badly. Purposely tore him down with my words, testing him to see if he’d give up on me too. Even though, he said he’d never leave. I broke our trust with a lie, took advantage of his love for me. Oh, an important fact: I didn’t return those feelings during all of this, so imagine how much more difficult this made things for him. Loving someone that treated him like shit.Finally, it became too much for him, dealing with being walked all over. He left.It didn’t hit me till the next day.I realized how much I needed and cared for him. Inside, I knew it all along but refused to let myself see it, my pride was in the way.So I switched things all around.Gave myself an ultimatum: take down the wall I’d been hiding behind or lose him. Well, I kicked down that wall and my pride went with it. I became willing to do anything to get him back, prove to him he could trust me again. I cut off talking to my many other guy friends. Anyone who’s ever loved someone to the point where you feel like no one else matters but them, you know why I stopped talking to my guy friends.Anyway, we slowly(agonizingly slowly) began making progress. I felt like I was finally starting to get through to him. His feelings never went anywhere and I know he still wanted us but the problem was convincing him I’d really try this time. People, I try 200% for that boy, he means the world to me. I’m a good girl, hes a(used to be before he met me)bad boy, and he is liked by many girls. All of which hate the idea that he only has eyes for a girl(me) that doesn’t even like him back. And they take any opportunity to take his eyes off of me. Rumors to the maximum! From girls I’ve never met that seem to know me better than I know myself. Of course, with him barely believing a word I say and being so hurt from before, he can’t help but listen to them. They sound so good, make so much sense. “She has guys like you all over the place”, “She’ll never like you, get over her”, “She’s just lying to you again”. I do everything I possibly can to convince him that they’re not true. Everything!When he says things out of his own pain, I take it. And let me tell you, I’m a very strong-headed young lady, it takes alot for me to think I actually deserve unkind words. But this time, for everything I put him through, I really do deserve it. No, get the thought out of your head, he’s not taking advantage of my vulnerable state, he’s not that kind of person.So I listen to him tell me how much I screwed him over and hurt him. And everything he went through for me. I hate what I did to him, hate living with it everyday. But now I’m vowed to make him see how much I need him in my life. Well we went through that period of “slowwwww progress” and last Saturday he completely ended it. He couldn’t deal with the constant battle of not knowing who to believe anymore. Felt like he didn’t even know who I was anymore. I don’t blame him for being fed up with all the hurt. But every time I try to tell him “it won’t happen again, you can trust me”, all he hears is “the past, the past, the past”.And lately, my feelings have come to the surface. I had to go through so much before I saw them and now that their here, obviously he doesn’t believe them. Great timing heart…I’ve never been so sure of anything. I’ve gone through silly crushes before but inside I didn’t honestly care about those boys. But him, I cared about him on such an intense level before my feelings announced themselves that it means so much more. I want him so much, want him back in my life. But hes afraid of it all being another lie and don’t say “it’ll take time”. I already know that. But I can feel him slipping away, he doesn’t want to go but he feels like he cant take anymore. And please I beg you, don’t give me the “you’ll be okay, you’ll get over him, be strong, this’ll happen to you more than once” speech. Honestly people, I am a very rational person. I know in my heart, I will never be okay if I lose him completely. He’s touched my life so much, changed me, I’ll never be the same inside. I’ll go through the movements of life but I’ll never get over it. I might find some new love interest in the future but I won’t be able to give anyone the same level of love I gave and feel for him. And hell, be strong?! Without him, I feel so much weaker than my usual self(way too strong for my own good, so much pride in being untouched and keeping my guard up). I depend on him so much I can’t figure out who I’m supposed to be without him by my side.So please if anyone is going or has been through a similar situation. Or even if you just have some good advice on how I should get through to him. Let me know! I’m 15, by the way. And no, I am not just another stupid, take-everything-for-granted, lazy teenager. I am just in desperate need of some help. I’m alot more grown up inside that most of you probably think. Thanks.

Caribbean Girl August 18, 2009 at 5:40 pm

It is so hard to master the art of letting go because it leaves a deep wound and etched a scar in the heart. Letting go of the past relationship depends on every individual on how they handle the situation. There are some who takes a long time or short span of time to move forward after the failed relationship. I think if one learns how to accept the break up and faces the reality that there is no more commitment with the person they love, then he or she will have bigger chances of moving on to another step forward with his or her life.

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Kelvin August 14, 2009 at 11:02 am

N, Thank you for your kind words.
Yes, I agree that being friends with someone they love just multiplies the pain. Trying to deal with the separation alone is terrible especially without a best friend. Part of me wants to keep the friendship going just to have some kind of connection but I know that is the worst thing I can do to myself. I will never understand how my ex leave when we weren’t broken.
Yes, I miss my best friend…

N August 13, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Kelvin, thanks for sharing your story. My ex-fiance also wants to still be best friends after he left me for another woman. We had been together and absolute best friends for more than 4 years. Him leaving has been the worst thing in my life, absolute hell. And when he then nicely contacts me wanting to be best friends, it just makes things worst. How can one be best friends with someone who puts one through such hell, betrays one, and yet one really loves him? There is no way I can be JUST best friends…at least I don’t know how? So Kelvin thanks for sharing, I know how empty life suddenly is without the best friend…it almost does not seem much worth at times. Yet one can’t stay friends if they love someone else, it just multiplies the hurt.

I too so much miss my best friend still…

canali August 26, 2010 at 12:54 pm

don’t fool yourself on being friends….unless you have shared parental involvement or shared investments there is IMO NO NEED at all to remain in touch….maybe wayyyyyy down the road (3 yrs or so) you can be civil, but why else? .treat it as an addiction you have to go cold turkey from…there is a great saying i once came across: ”friends can become lovers…but the opposite is seldom true.” (absolutely agree)

Love Coach Rinatta August 27, 2010 at 7:45 am

Canali, sounds like you believe your anger somehow hurts her, while in reality it only hurts you. When you are angry at her, or hurting, or thinking about her, it does not affect her. But it does affect you. So let go. Stop thinking about her. I mean stop, as in when a thought of her comes up, force yourself to think about something else. Thoughts of her are simply a mental habit, much like biting your nails is a physical habit, so simply force yourself to stop. Let go and move on.

Kelvin August 13, 2009 at 11:10 am

Lisalisa: Your story is very similar to mine. My ex left me 3 months ago ending our marriage. We dated for 9yrs and married for +1yrs. She suddenly decided to be someone else and moved out. I am going through the divorce process right now and I can tell you, it is the most painful thing I have done.
The last few weeks, she emails me and tells me that she misses me and thinks about me once awhile. She may think it brings comfort to me but it devastates me. I loved her but this love hurts me.
I, too, don’t know what she wants from me. I also know she wants to be friends because for the past 10yrs, we were best friends to each other. I told her that I don’t want to be friends with her anymore.
I pray that maybe she will grow up and realize she thrown away a great marriage but in the meantime, I am working on myself and move on.

Still, I miss my best friend…

Marisa July 30, 2009 at 12:14 am

My ex and I had been together for almost a year when things started to go sour. We were quickly falling apart. I know that I wanted and felt like I needed more attention and affection. I didn’t receive after I asked so I broke it off. I immediately after breaking up wanted to get back together. At the time I had never before felt the way I was feeling. Emotions were high. I was devastated. I wanted to die and thought that reconciliation would fix everything. He of course being a guy with an ego or just a human and hurt lol didn’t want to get back with me. I had to accept the fact and go through the very long journey to peace and self love. Approximately 1 year after the breakup. Throughout this year we still talked and saw each other. We were friends that had a past and yes we slept together too. We never dated anyone else. I think I knew that there was still something there between us and I liked it and hated it at the same time. Liked it because I loved him. Hated it because I wanted more. I felt I was being used because the tittle wasn’t there. Well after the year I had gotten over it, met someone and went out on a date. He found out and told me how he felt. That he loved me, that he wanted to be with me. All the things I wanted to hear a year ago. I was happy for the moment and didn’t see the other great guy again. Now a couple months ago we talked and he wanted to make it official and I said no. I can’t right now. I’m hurt that he took so long in opening up to me. So he is waiting now for something that might never happen. He knows this. I feel that I do love him and he loves me. I’m so scared that we will get back together and the same thing will happen again. Also I hate that he isn’t showing that he is into me. That he waits a long time to call me or see me. I want to feel like were dating. Which we basically are. I cant tell him that because he should want to be that way for himself. I guess what I’m trying to ask is should I move on because I’m looking for someone to show me they love me and want to try. Or should I stay, get back together and see if things change. Thank you for taking the time and reading this.

tall girl July 29, 2009 at 9:34 am

If people suffer, they should let it go. Healthy relationships are good. Thank you for your article and explanation. And I agree that forgiveness is so important for moving on and healing.

Lisalisa July 10, 2009 at 5:01 pm

I can’t tell you what to do. But it must be very hard for you, him coming back in and out of your life all the time. Is that what you want?

Ann March 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I was in a relationship with someone who kept coming in and out of my life. Because of my love for him, i kept taking him back. He would tell me he needs me and that he was sorry. I know in that relationship, I had my flaws. He says, I’m the reason why he breaks up with me so often. And that I push him. We often agrue over pety issues that would last for days. We managed to work things out until our next dillema. He doesn’t like it when you give him a negative feedback. I let this happen for over 2 years. I though I found that man that will treat me different than my previous relationship. Instead! it turns out the same but different format. How can he tell me he needs me and in-love with me but yet leave me too many times? I’m still in the process of healing.

emma April 25, 2010 at 1:16 am

i have spent the past year trying to get over a fella. he has a gf and still calls me 2x month. just to check on me. I have never had time to get over him. we shared so much over 4yrs. I think my problem is he was a friend, first an that is the part I miss, but I havnt been able to move on with my world bcause I am waiting for him to come back I am exspecting himto call and tell me he is ready to see me now. Man is that stupid cause he is just saying that to keep me on a string. well I am going to move on, he is not happy in the relationship and uses me to lift his spirits and that is just selfish. I am letting my self off the hook. I am starting again for the 50th time feels like but here we go. I will be sad till May 1, then I am done with that part.

To Emma April 25, 2010 at 11:57 pm

Emma – This is a reply for Emma’s post April 25, 2010.
I just want to tell you, I was with my ex for 5+ years and engaged to be married for 3 years, when he walked away and started dating another woman. I let him string me along for a very long 8 months. I went along with it thinking he would come back. Yes, I missed him mostly as a friend, but I could not handle him telling me about the other woman. So I figured, no matter what it takes and how much it hurts, I had to cut him off completely under those circumstances. I realized I could never heal and move on if I stayed in that situation. And He (my ex) could not respect me for keeping in contact with him when he was seeing another woman, and I realized the only way he would ever want to come back is if he realized that I was not the kind of woman to be involved on any level with a man who is with another woman in any form. Either way I had to be better off with absolutely cutting him off. Either I would move on and find someone new in time, or he would start to realize what he had lost and respect me again. So I changed my phone number. So finally he emailed me at work after six months. But it was just a ‘how are you’ email. I figured if he wants me back, he will be more clear than that. This email sounded just like something to string me along further. So I cried a lot for a whole month…because that email opened the wound again which I though was almost closed. But after that, my wound was completely shut and I began to enjoy life again like a normal person. He had his chance. I may still take him back if he would really mean it, but I mean really really really mean it. But at the moment a relationship with a clean start with someone new seems almost like a better idea.
So, I say make it clear that you will not be just a friend or just a sister. You had invested to much time already to be just that or just cut him off pretending that you simply don’t care anymore and have moved on. IF he wants you back, he knows where you are and how to do that. If not, you have a chance to heal and stop wasting your life because of him.
Just my idea. I’m not a professional, but I have been through hell and have read more books about this than I can count.
You are not alone! Be brave – It’s YOUR LIFE! He may not care, but YOU are responsible for your life and your happiness.

N July 10, 2009 at 4:33 pm

My 3.5 year fiance broke it off 6 months ago. After 2 months he contacted me saying that he loved me and that he missed me. That lasted for 1.5 months. Then again he told me we could just be friends. When I agreed to just beeing friends and go our separate ways, he reacted by saying that I wanted to see me again…and so on for another 1.5 months. Then again he said we could be friends….and in the last month I have not heard from him….I love him much and miss him much…what am I to do?

tony April 30, 2010 at 2:49 am

Hi guys, I just broke up with my GF that I have been dating for so long…Well the story is like this after we broke up, I ended up dating with another girl. My ex call me constantly asking me to come back…even though I hate it…. I enjoy the felling of attention and the felling of being wanted. Well eventually she stop calling me and stop seeing me…. My heart was broken. honestly speaking, it sucks when you cant get what you want… Even though I want her full attention, she didn’t give it to me…. and now I realized what a jerk I am for leading her on, letting her think that we can get back together when i know for sure we wont.
So here is an advice to some of you ladies that has EX that are keeping you on string….. forget them, the reason why they call you or seeing you is because one they are bore and got nothing to do, they got into an argument with their GF or finally they want a quick sex.
it is that simple ladies….
We guys are not that complicated

Nicah May 27, 2010 at 1:33 am

My ex after two months of break up due to third party ask my number and also he wanted to chat with me even if he has new gf. I don’t understand why he would do such things. He said he missed me. It make’s me confuse. Some advice please.

To Do November 19, 2010 at 2:07 am

Hi tony,

Thank you so much for your honest opinion…! I actually was almost exactly in the same situation as N’s. Get together for a while, and break up, and again together… this cycles went on and on and until some days ago… Now I take your advice and I will foget about him. I do hope I can finally move on… without expecting broken relationship would ever be mended. Broken is broken. I must have a courage to accept this fact!!! Thank you again, Tony. Your words were somehow so strong and gave me some effect than anyone else’s advice!!

alexa May 3, 2009 at 12:39 pm

I just find out this site and i enjoyed your articles.
Thank you.

victoria May 1, 2009 at 3:09 pm

after been with my ex it just made me wont him even more the passion we had is still there and he knows it he wont me back but he is still in a a relationship that he is working his way out of and he wonts us me and him to be patient. a little while longer. and that is what i wont

Lisalisa April 27, 2009 at 1:40 pm

He wants to talk about what we’ve been going through.
Well, I’ve been going through hell.
At the same time, I have been taking a really good hard look at myself and my behavior in the relationship. It’s not been easy, but with a counselor I am working on myself. Perhaps I was incapable of giving the intimacy I so desired. It does take two.

Dan July 13, 2010 at 9:10 pm

I am answering because of the hell I myself have gone through. I do not know abou the hell you have gone through. I do know that love has put myself through the hell that only those who deserve it should understand…but I understand anyway. The woman I love I cannot tell her how I feel, as it would cause her problems. What I do know though, is that there is nothing else in this life which matters. I belong to the woman I am in love with. But I would never lie to her, I would never tell her that I need intimacy, I would never tell her that her smile is why I wake up each day, I would not tell her that who she is is the reason of why I am.
Intimacy. Two. It is there, yet it is gone. I love this woman, but I know I am another Clark Kent, I am not the superman. This is your choice, whether you accept Superman, or if you accept Clark Kent. Then there is the final question, is he Clark Kent, or is he Superman? I have personally been only the Clark Kent type, never knowing who I truly care for. I am sorry I took so long to reply. I have nothing left for myself, all I can do is pass the ammo.

Lisalisa April 24, 2009 at 9:10 pm

I forgive my ex who left 6 months ago, ending our 10 year relationship.
But I still have hope that he will come back to me.
At the time of our break up, he did not want to talk about it.
Now, he seems much more open to it. He said sometimes he misses me and it hurts. That he’s not completely over it. He does think about me. He feels guilty for the pain he put me through. He talks about me more now with his friends than he did during our relationship. To my knowledge, he is dating someone else though.

I’m not sure what he wants from me. I know he wants to be friends, but I said early on I hope we can one day, but I need time to heal. Am I being immature by not being friends yet? Does what he’s saying, and the contact he wants to make mean he is reconsidering things?

Love Coach Rinatta April 27, 2009 at 12:04 pm

Lisalisa: If your ex was reconsidering the relationship, he would let you know. It always amazes me how we women think we have to read men’s minds. For now, I suggest you take care of yourself and stay away as much as you can.

Love Coach Rinatta August 27, 2010 at 10:08 am

Thanks for sharing, but I have to wonder, if you can’t take feedback and don’t want to change, what are you doing commenting on a relationship coaching blog? Those of us who are unwilling or unable to change our mind about how we feel, think and behave do ourselves a great deal of disservice, as we cause ourselves unnecessary pain and suffering.

canali August 27, 2010 at 10:23 am

i’m being a putz, that’s all, as per my last comment, Rinatta…actually I wanted to ‘edit’ that last comment, but couldn’t…so just a heads up I’m not a total write off, but a m just in a sensitive mood (lately) that’s all…

, however, i’m trying to get to a place in my life wherein i give up on such ideals as ‘forever’ and ‘the one’… I really do feel most relationships dont’ make it such..and that instead there are many good matches out there and not just one person…BUT not finding a ‘forever lasting gig’ isn’t such a tragedy as long as you’re growing into a more honest, open, loving and emotionally courageous person and to get love and happiness in one’s life in other ways, ie good friends, being good to oneself (self love/esteem), giving back to the c0mmunity to those lesser etc.

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