How Do I Deal With His or Her Insecurity

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on May 10, 2012 · 38 comments

in Affairs Q & A, Articles, BreakUps & Divorce Q & A, Dating, Dating Q & A, Marriage Q & A, Relationship Q & A, Relationships, Singles Q & A

Q. Carey asks:

I am 33 and have been dating someone who seems to be a very insecure guy. He is very jealous, and is always accusing me of wanting to break up with him or of having another man. I thought maybe he was trying to tell me that HE indeed wanted to break up, but when I confronted him, he said he never wanted to break up with me. I am a little tired of all of it, but I really like this guy. Can you give me any advice on how to stop this game he plays? Thank you.

A. Relationship  Coach Rinatta answers:

Carey, your guy has one of two things going on. Either he is very insecure indeed and is asking for reassurance, or he is trying to build up his self-esteem by demanding that you declare your faithfulness and affection for him on a regular basis.

To find out which one of these two things is going on, take a look at the rest of his life. If he is timid and hesitant, needing lots of reassurance in general, then he really is just insecure. Insecurity is annoying to deal with, but there are worse things, and it can get better with time and some help.

On the other hand, if he seems more self-centered and selfish in the rest of his life, then he is using you to build up or keep up his self-esteem. This is more problematic, but it can still be dealt with effectively.

Here is what you need to do:
1. Realize that he is not playing a game – he is trying to get his emotional needs met in a relationship, same as everyone else. Meeting emotional needs is why people get into relationships. He is just going about it the wrong way.
2. Examine how you may be contributing to the problem. Do you flirt with others? Do you do things to make him jealous? Do you ignore him or his needs when he tries to talk to you about them? Clean your side of the street and make sure you give him no reason to distrust you.
3. Let him know that you are not willing to fix his insecurity and fulfill his need for reassurance, since his need seems to go far beyond the norm. Let him know you would be happy to talk about how he feels, as long as he knows that what he feels are HIS feelings and have nothing to do with your action or your character.
4. Challenge him to look for the root of his feelings in past relationships and his childhood instead of looking at you as the cause of them.

If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.

Guys, the same thing applies to relationships where the woman is insecure and the man is on the receiving end of the insecurity game. Check your side of the street, guys, to make sure you are doing nothing to trigger her insecurity. If you are, stop and put in more loving actions towards her. If she’s still insecure, ask her to take a look at her feelings and where they are coming from.

Want me to support you through this process of managing your partner’s insecurity
with your guy or gal?

Consider setting up a ProblemSolver Advice & Coaching Session in which I will teach you how to speak to him so that he will hear you on this issue, yet not offend him or turn him off.

Want to make big relationship changes?

Consider getting my help as your dating or relationship coach.

 

{ 37 comments }

Kathy Unique January 11, 2013 at 4:14 am

Hi Brittany I know how you feel!

Kayla June 4, 2012 at 10:08 am

I have been with my fiancé for a little over a year we have a 3 mo old son together. I have to other children with someone else when I have to pick up my children from their dad my fiancé times how long it takes me. I went to my daughters school to eat lunch and visit with the class I was accused of being with her father which I was not I’m sick of it. A month ago he left his FB open so I opened his messages and good thing I did I saw where he was callin another girl beautiful and sayin things like ” if I had not done those things would we still be together and maybe I an come visit you, do u miss me, and maybe we will have another chance together. All while I was pregnant with our son he was doing this. We were not having any problems in our relationship. I confronted him about it he said he did it because he was confused and he said he did or said nothing wrong to her just a conversation with an old friend. Seems more than that to me. I have never gave him a reason to not trust me and I’m the one being accused. He said she lives states away so I guess to him that makes it ok. He dnt talk to me much about anything. I recently found out cigs in his dresser. He use to smoke. I asked him about it said said he smokes sometimes. Like on his way to work or at work. I said well u can tell me u apparently didn’t want me to knw bc he dnt smoke at the house we live together. I fell like I dnt know him . I dnt knw what to do anymore.

Natalie May 8, 2012 at 8:25 am

hi my name is Natalie i am a mother of 3 children and i am married i have been married for 7 years i have had a up and down marriage within these 7 years so recently I ran into a child hood friend that i know for 20 years so we exchanged numbers and we were updating each other on our lifes and familys yes the he was texting me @ all different times it was hidden because there was no reason to be hidden my husband did find out so now he is claiming that i cheated on him and i am which i am not he is driving me away from him and i have done nothing wrong i even changed my phone number took text off my phone and haven t talked to my friend in 3 months what can i do or should i do?????

Stella (20) March 1, 2012 at 5:12 am

Hi.
I have the same problem that Carey has – my boyfriend is always really jealous and won’t trust me AT ALL.
I know the cause of it – he says he can’t trust me because of the things HIS EX did (always going out with guy friends and cheating on him).
I really love him and want the relationship last forever, but I’m annoyed when he won’t let me go out at all (even with my sister and a really good girl friend – won’t even mention my guy friends). He’s afraid I’d let other guys hit on me and cheat on him whenever I would go out. I would understand it if I WAS THE ONE THAT MADE HIM NOT TRUST ME – never even intended to cheat on him, or let other guys approach me! But it’s his ex!!! I don’t like how I have to pay for the things his ex did…
What to do? How can I make him trust me? :(

(sorry for my bad english)

Kela Jones January 29, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Im 25 and he is 38. I feel like kim n a relationship with a child sometimes and other times a lunatic. He takes care of me because he doesnt want gto work, he never really lets me leave gthe house unless he’s with me and thats rarely because he’s kind of house bound. He accusses me of cheating, lying and talking about him with family and friends, I constently reminds him that u have to leave the house to meet people and cheat. I remind him that I had a life before I met him and he is not the topic of my decussion when im with my family and friends. Im really tired of all the insecure issues that he has and I just want out of this relationship but I love him and im scared to leave him alone… What should I do?

farmersdaughter5837 September 8, 2011 at 10:56 pm

im 17.. he’s 22. they say age is nothing but a number, but they lied.
im just getting now where i like to party, and he is ready to settle down, and im not ready for that. he has a really bad alcohol problem and pill problem, which he is in rehab at the time. i grew up with nothing but guys, so naturally those are going to be my best friends.. i cant help it. he is so insecure about me hanging out with my few friends that are girls and a few guys. every time i am with them he always asks me 100 questions.. and its not my fault he has no friends. he cheated on me previously with his ex and i completely trust him now.. but he does not trust me. i have my choices i make.. and he cant stand the fact that i do them.. just yet before he could still drink and take pills… which is something he lied to me about for 6 months. im a strong girl, and ive never let him run over me, but its getting too much to take. a guy that cannot trust a girl for anything will never have a real relationship because if you don’t have trust, you have nothing. a happy girl is a pretty girl.. well a confident guy is an attractive one. be confident with yourself before you look for a relationship. NO one is responsible for your own happiness!

cynthia Dlamini September 8, 2011 at 6:42 am

im 22 years old, my boy friend and i have been dating for 3 years now and we have a 15 months old daughter.things have been great for the past 2 and a half years the problem started when he failed and had to repeat twice his diploma which he finally passed not so well, i am a science degree holder. i was with him and supported him through his difficulties.i am about to wok and recently he persists i do not repest him, i control him , i want things done my way of which is not true i talked to him and asked him how he wants me to show him i respect him as we are trying that all of a sudden things turn nasty with just a petite fight and he wants a break and time alone. im tired of suffering for things i dont know i did wrong because i even asked him if my education status intermedates him and he said no, i always try that whatever problems he have of any kind, he should bring it out on the open to talk about. i tried more than in enough and i think as he is on break i should take it as a break up and move on with my life.

farmersdaughter5837 September 8, 2011 at 11:08 pm

okay. you have nothing to prove to him. you didnt do anything wrong. some guys like to blame others when they feel over-powered. guys cant stand confident, independent women because the fact that they dont feel as needed.. which they are not. no woman ever needs a man to validate themselves. don’t give in a relationship if they arent willing to meet you halfway. be the best mommy you can be and just enjoy yourself while yall arent together. do stuff youve always wanted to do and you couldnt because he was in the picture. live one day at a time. yesterday doesnt matter and tomorrow isnt promised. find a man with a j-o-b, a darn good education, and love for your little girl. if you gett back together, i wish you the best of luck, but if you dont.. dont stress it. god always makes sure youre in good hands.

doesnt matter August 1, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I think that’s horrible advise. If a woman is insecure guess what men have to help them through it all the time. I am a very insecure 20 year old guy and the last thing I would need is getting broke up with over insecurity if its too much to ask to be told by someone I love everyday how much they care for me then they can go to hell, and you miss high up on your thrown talking about it doesn’t fix it. That guy is still insecure and probably worse now because you told his girlfriend to break up with him if he didn’t change. Some of us guys were not studs in high school and got absolutely no attention/experience I know I didn’t and that’s what causes my insecurity if I felt adequate with a woman sexually I wouldn’t feel insecure. Its the fact that I don’t know what im doing which only comes in time, but the there’s the size issue, everyone says women want it big and will seek to find it well that’s not something we can fix. So yes we need you to reassure us we are not going to get cheated on even if your not doing anything its still the thought that you might be that scares us if we really love you. I can’t even talk to a girl for fear of it actually working out and then being inadequate when it comes down to it, and having yet another broken heart. Men are just as sensatice as women we just express it differently when your upset you cry when im upset I go workout or drive insanely fast down a dirt road in the middle of no where. All we need is to know that you are completely and 100% ours.

Jen December 28, 2011 at 12:57 pm

I started a relationship with a man knowing he was insecure as a result of things that happened to him in his past. I knew what I was taking on at the time & after years of highs & lows he was starting to come round. However, recently incidents have happened that have ‘lit’ the hurt from his past again & we are back to square one. I have been constantly criticised, verbally abused, physically abused, pushed away, the list is endless, oh & if I dare to ‘overreact’ to his petty controlling comments… It’s me who has the problem. Yet I stand by him encouraging him to speak to a professional therapist, reassuring him of my love. Am I being an understanding & caring wife or am I just being a fool? You answer me this… He beat me up including kicking me on the back of the head (which could have killed me) & I told the doctor I wouldn’t leave him cos it wasn’t his fault. Whilst I don’t condone his behaviour I have a level of understanding of it. So do you think I’ve done the right thing by staying with this ‘insecure’ man??? I’ve been what I call foolish but lucky. It took a long time but my husband is now seeking the help he needs but I wouldn’t recommend this part of my life to anyone. Your own safety & well being is what is most important…. You cannot help anyone who doesn’t want to help themselves! And just so you know, yes I do still love him but nowhere near as much as I did… There’s far too much resentment for that. So any ‘insecure’ people out there who don’t think they need help, think again & do something to help yourself before you end up losing the one person who probably DID trully love you.

J March 28, 2012 at 10:27 am

Insecure people tend to find other insecure people. It’s just the way it is, read a few article and you will see this. Women and men handle insecurities differently: men typically get selfish, rude, and criticize. While women become overly accomodating & more sexual. Yes loving someone is an amazing thing but you must love yourself first, anyone who has almost been killed by someone does not love themselves. Yes, you will agrue that love is not selfish, love is kind, love is patient… But you must ABOVE ALL protect yourself no matter how much you love someone and they have a problem. I loved someone who had many issues from his childhood and I tried and tried to be there for him, love him and take care of him. It doesn’t work. He beat me as well. You are being overly accomodating and you are actually fualing his fire. Yes, he has a problem. Yes, you love him – BUT just because you love him doesn’t mean you can “fix” him. STOP! You are sacrificing yourself for someone who treats you poorly. I understand he doesn’t always know he’s treating you poorly but the fact still remains he is the one in the wrong. A RATIONAL human being does not hit someone they love – he knew he was doing wrong when he did that. You need to be more informed and you need to see a counselor for your insecurities as well.It isn’t healthly or normal to allow someone to hurt you so badly – you need to love yourself more Jen – you have a problem with your own insecurities.

Jen April 9, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Thanks for your reply J, I appreciate your comments, however, u have read me completely wrong. I attended counselling years ago which taught me methods on how to cope with anything life throws at me. I’m a sink or swim kind of girl who has so far always chosen to swim cos it’s in my nature to always see the positive in any situation otherwise life would just drag you down. My husband isn’t bad, circumstances forced his hand… There’s no way I’d have been able to move on from it otherwise… He’d be 6 foot under believe me!

Ron April 28, 2011 at 10:41 am

I Need help! I am in love with a gal for whom its the third love! She had sex with her second love! She herself told everythin about her past! She is so true to me now! And she is the perfect match for me! But sometimes i feel so bad and insecured thinking about her past! These thoughts are killin me and makin me to reduce my love only because that she had already made love with another guy! i wanna get rid of these stupid thoughts , so someone pls help me! I dont wanna Miss her! pls! pls

Jen December 28, 2011 at 1:14 pm

Hi please read my comment above yours & take my advice & don’t allow your insecurities to destroy your relationship. Remember this.. yes she has had sex before & she has had relationships before but it’s YOU she is with now. Don’t push her away. Speak to your girlfriend about how you feel telling her you are going to speak to someone about it because you love her SO god damn much & will do anything to make sure you have a fantastic relationship. I’m sure she’ll appreciate your honesty. I respect you so much… Hope it all works out for you & you are happy.

mehmet January 10, 2011 at 6:47 am

it seems so crazy reading all these different story’s in different ways and hoping that it could cure my insecurity’s .me and my partner met when we were 17 years old and carried on being in a strong loving relationship we had two beautiful girls and bought a house all at a young age , well 14 years into the relationship things started to change not just in her but in me to i had a number of failed bisnesses had money problems and just couldn’t reach were i wanted to be as well as smoking weed to i started to become this arrogant paranoid short tempered and blamed the world for all my problems i lost lots of weight went pale and stop loving my self i never stopped loving my partner but i stop respecting her well this went on for a while and i could see that something was going to explode but did not know what and when i can always remember saying in the back of my mind that i would do anything to save my relationship but everything had got to me and i had no energy left ,i can remember coming home one day and the house had this strange fill , i had my dinner and jumped in to the bath as i was laying there the door opened and my partner walked in and i could fill this emptyness and the the way she was looking at me was like she was looking straight fro me and then the bomb shell came, she told me its finished no more me and you we put the long story short we both split up she went to her parents and i stayed at how house until we sold it we finally sold it she had her s hair and i had my n,i moved back to my parents while this was happening in side i felt like i was morning my family became a part time dad and it was killing but inside my heart i was still in love with my ex i can remember going out meeting other woman and i couldnt connect in the back of my mind i always believed we would get back together i always remember alway checking my phone just in case she had text or phoned , anyway i started going out alot, stopped smoking weed and started to get a socail life back there was part of me that didnt want to know what she got up to because it would hurt me but i remember one day after dropping the kids off we were both in the car talking when i told her a lye and said that one of the kids told me she went out on a date and she admited it she did well the way it made me fill inside was terrible like i had been betrayed and used we that was it for me i tryed in all vain to forget her and i must admit i had accepted it and was moving on no dating or anything but was socaillizing with men and woman and i was starting to fill good again until one day when me and the kids went swimming and my eldise child was not swimming and i told her to hold my phone because i was selling my car and was waiting for a call well she went fro all my texts and saw that i had other text to woman .well i did not know about this until my kid told her mum my ex, well hell broke loose i had a call late one night {we had been split up know for over a year} and i could not get word in she was acussing of this that and the other well this set something off in her brain like a sence of jelosy which i must admit made me fill good we from that day the calls were every day and soon came to the conversation of trying again together it was scary deep down it was what i wanted but i couldnt just let her tell me when to jump well started off seeing each other one day in the week and then started to lead to more i must admit touching her body and talking to each other in the way we use to was like magic and i loved it, i always tried to avoid the conversation of what we got up to when we wasn’t together but she wanted to talk about it until one day she came to my work and found things that were other womans letters telephone numbers which made her go mad it made her jelose and insecure which ended up with her asking me questions day in day out about these other woman any after a couple of week she started to calm down after lots of insurance and now 6 months on i fill it questions fly fro my mind and can not control them i had found out that she went out with one guy twice and was talking to an other for a year that got sexual over the internet not in real life but the thought of all these thing are running fro my mind and driving me crazy every time time she on the net is she still talking to these people or if her phone blips owe is it i question and its doing my nut in i hope its just a passing faze and would disappear like hers . because in my mind i ,m deeply and madly in love with her the same way when i first met her now 17 years ago iv just got to keep strong and consontrate on the future and not the passed positive thoughts positive move creates positiverty and a free and happy relationship

Cynthia October 22, 2010 at 9:29 am

I live with my boyfriend and there has been some tension in the house. He says he feels as I haven’t been there emotionally and its been very distant. I admit I have been distant, I am just so afraid of being hurt because I’ve been hurt badly in the past. The person I am with right now I love more than anything in the world. He has treated me so well, not yell, not hit me, does everything possible until lately. He has been feeling insecure all of a sudden, and doesn’t trust me, and I have done nothing wrong to make him think that. He always says you’re going to find someone better and so on. Well just yesterday I found out he has been cheating on me through the internet on this lame website. Its disgusting and makes me cringe. I confronted him and he confessed and said he has been feeling distant and was selfish. He wants to work on things and he said there was no excuse, I just dont if I can handle this stress, and if i could ever trust him again. He says he loves me and will do anything to prove it, and work on anything to build us back up..I need help what should I do? All the emails I read just keep running through my head, and not knowing if I could ever trust him.. Please help..They always say once a cheater always a cheater is it true or does he really want me to stay around..

Tai February 5, 2010 at 11:43 pm

I’ve been with this girl friend for about a year now. After a few weeks into our relationship found out she is really depress and I tried to talk to her to help her out. Turn out she got tons of issue on her family and ex boy friend in the past and not sure if it still happening.

She told me a little about her family and mostly brag about her ex boy friend and their past life (high roller i guess). I know so much about her past now that it makes me insanely insecure.

As my insecurities kicks in; i started questioning everything she does and she hardly answer anything and just sit there and cry. Never say a word and just told me to leave her alone. I told her I can’t leave my love one alone when they are like this. It hurt me so much when she cry and nothing I can do about it.

Further into our relationship i find it harder and harder to believes in her. Things she do, what she say, her reaction toward me seems like i’m not even in the picture and she alway say she loves me. Sometime she disappear for half a day and not telling me where she go or what she do. We got into big fight and she say she will not do it again and she didn’t.

Until one day, she told me that she’s going with with some of her girl friends and she don’t me there because i’ll be the only guy so it be weird and that i understand. After a couple hours i called her and she didn’t pick up so i started to get paranoid. After many more calls and still no respond i got so piss and drove and part in front of her house waiting for her to get home. turn out a guy drop her off and she fail to giving me any explanation. I attempted to break up with her and she cried and keep calling me asking for second chance and told me it was a girl night out but that was her girl friends boy friend.

Can i believe such story? Is she sleeping with that guy or just simply she wanting to go out have fun with her friend (male or female) but not picking up my phone call and give a lame excuse 2 days later would drop the ball there.

I love her and forgive all of it and even her lame past that turn her this way. She seems a lot closer now and acting like a real girl friend as well. But i still have doubt. I can’t let her go.. because i want to.. don’t want to get hurt because i will if i let her go.

She alway wanting to go back to her country and live saying its better for her there and it will heal her wounds. She going back there this December for 2 months she say… and i can’t stop her.

Sorry for long post and unorganized stories and poor English. I’m so wired with all this while trying to get a job. Two months for a long time especially for me not trusting her. Any suggestion, ideas, advice, would be nice and thank you for reading my story.

tara February 4, 2010 at 7:15 pm

I am in desperate need of those skills, Earlier today I decided that I will get my way only to end up in a huge fight causing a near break up, For once he gave up before I did. Can that be considered a positive sign?

tara February 3, 2010 at 3:58 pm

My boyfriend is older than me by a couple of years and he’s very insecure about himself due to his past life and I costantly need to reassure him that i’m not leaving or don’t need another man. honestly all is true. He is a very sensitive and sweet guy and treats me like a queen. His sentivity makes me take care of everything I do or say. It’s becoming kind of a problem for me because I can’t get anything across to him without fearing for his emotions all the time. Sometimes I need him to take care of me instead of the other way around.I really love him and don’t want a break up. I need a solution.

Love Coach Rinatta February 3, 2010 at 11:27 pm

Tara, the solution is learning how to take care of your needs without causing him undue damage. There’s an art in learning how to take care of ourselves and others at the same time. Also, a part of the solution is leaning to tell when he needs to take care of his own feelings.

These are some of skills I teach people when they work with me as their relationship coach.

~Doc Chris August 7, 2009 at 11:43 am

Who is insecure her or I?

My girlfriend and I live in CA & have been dating for 9 years. She has a 13 year old daughter. We are both in our late 30’s, live separately and have just really enjoyed being with each other I love her without thought. Here is the kicker I am a relationship therapist, for me to post this is refreshing and allows me to anonymously think out-loud and maybe shed a little light on some personal deep thoughts.
1St. we are no longer living in our parent’s shoes nor do we have to drag their chains and beat ourselves up because we have to conform to the “marriage” rule. The ultimate goal should be your happiness and well being and that of your partner.

We get so wrapped up in our emotional state of mind in the here and now that sometimes we are blinded by what’s in front of us and fail to see the whole picture. Being married is a big deal, it is a civil contract/ business contract and in a sense a declaration of your devotion to your partner. But no matter how you paint it, you are dealing with a business contract where your partner is entitled to 400 civil rights in California and an additional 1,100-plus federal rights. YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET MARRIED TO PROVE YOUR LOVE. In my years of business I find that the happiest people are the single people but, marriage is good business for the state, churches, caterers, attorneys, courts, and therapists. Personally, there is something about being married to my girlfriend that seems to like an elephant sitting on my shoulders telling me that I need to be married (growing up my parents ingrained this). Though, I know that she is quite content with being girlfriend and boyfriend. The funny thing is that I’m the one who stands to lose more should this contact have to be enforced hopefully never in the future.

But more than anything, for those of us that are so insecure and need the contract from our partner to assure us of there never ending love, well let’s face the facts. We are people with emotions, feelings, physically & emotionally & at one point or another we all feel pain and no matter how much training we all have, WE ARE ALL INSECURE, DEAL WITH IT! I as well many modern trained therapists disagree with the old school process of marriage and the famously coined “INSECURE” which makes us a lot of money yet is a natural innate characteristic engrained in every healthy brain ever created other than GOD. If you are happy, if your partner makes you happy, tell your friends, your co-workers and especially your family to go pound sand. They are not the ones entering into this contact, it is you, it is your happiness, and ultimately, it is your life. Live your life with the one you love the way both of you see fit as long as it is mutual. Love one another enjoy your friendship and don’t let your now turn into sour memories, live to create more wonderful relationship memories and if you ever get married then God Bless you and your family.

Aka ~Doc

Ian April 6, 2009 at 4:16 am

I was previously in a relationship with a very nice and kind but insecure person with whom I had a fantastic connection. I also had insecurity issues. In my experience jealousy is different from insecurity, and jealousy sometimes stems from a belief that you will act as they do (i.e. another relationship I had, the person was incredibly jealous, but was having an affair).

Anyway, we are apart now, but we still love each other and I have realised that I can survive on my own and support her emotionally. Sometimes its nice just to be there for someone even if they are not going to be your partner, though you have to accept that they may move on one day; i.e. it requires that you care for them without expecting anything back.

What helps me considerably is I really do believe we are perfect for each other and that one day we will be together. For the time being I am happy getting very little out of our friendship. If anyone feels they want to do the same, realise that the person whom you care for may well be seeing, or end up seeing, someone else. All you can do is be a good and caring friend to them and hope that they build up their sense of security. There are many selfish people in the world, and sometimes we just have to show other people that we are not one of them.

Brie March 15, 2009 at 10:39 am

I was in a similar relationship and my guy was very insecure. He accused me of being unfaithful after having hacked into my email inbox and snooped through the sent folder finding an email to another guy (who is just a friend of mine) from a month or so BEFORE we even met. I did my best to give him all the attention he was asking for, we were engaged and even share a child together. Turns out after I did my best to help him through his insecuirties, he was the one actually cheating on me with his ex-wife…seeing her the entire time we were together. Talk about living a double life…this guy had it down to an art!!!

GIOVANNI March 10, 2009 at 2:01 am

I’M STILL IN LOVE WITH MY EX HUSBAND ,&WE SHARE A CHILD
WE HAVE BEEN D,FOR 12 YRS ,&MY FRIEND S SEE HIM LOOKIG
AT ME WHEN MY BACK IS TURN .HE ONLY TALKS ON THE PHONE
SOMETIME W,ME & ACTS LIKE HE DONT REMMBER THINGS
ABOUT ME OR OUR MARRAGE ,FROM 11YRS AGO . I ASKED HIM
BACK IN A LETTER 1YR AGO . & NO ANSWER . WHY DOSE HE STILL
LOOK AT ME & FLIRT W,ME ONLY SOMETIME

7

Bill February 17, 2008 at 6:16 pm

Hi -

I’ve been in a relationship with a fantastic woman for just about a year. However, due to a recently self-diagnosed codependency issue on my part, I have been constantly demanding of her affection and time – basically taking up most of the emotional space, creating a real imbalance. After what seemed to me a wonderful xmas with her folks and romantic New Years getaway, followed by talk of moving in together, we had an argument brought on by her admitting to feeling uncomfortable about the proposed moving in. This led to a decision over the phone for us to have a weeklong break. This break went on for two weeks, with her making no contact with me whatsoever. I dropped off a couple of things at her house through the mail slot, but made no attempt to invite myself in. A few unacknowledged e-mails from me went by until finally I went to her house and, after her house-mate let me in, found her in the kitchen – where we went into each other’s arms. A long evening went by, with me pretty much dominating the conversation, blah blah blah. In the end, she said that the lack of pressure she felt through being together was virtually absent the last two weeks. She still needed time to reflect on what she wanted, saying that she could not put a timeframe on it – “It could take another two weeks, a month, six months. But what’s six months to a lifetime?” I told her that she was worth waiting for.

She took me out for my birthday the next week, attended my birthday party the following night, invited me to dinner at hers a couple of nights later (I responded to the message too late), went for dinner a week later, where some suggestive advances were made by her, with no follow-up – all with little to no communication in between the days. This lack of contact has been absolute hell for me, leading me to wonder if her interest will wane through non-togetherness to the point of disappearing altogether.

What can I do to reignite the love that I believe is there, yet respect her obvious need for space? How can there be shared intimacy with all this distance? Where’s the opportunity for growth? I am learning a great deal about the afore-mentioned codependency traits that exist in me (due to a dysfunctional family environment with an alcoholic father). But, after a number of failed relationships, I do believe that this woman is someone with whom I desire more than anything to grow with and truly open her heart. It’s just that I don’t trust these imposed absences and times apart, to not be wedges and impediments to the relationship as a whole.

Any advice more than welcome! Thank you.

Howard MacKinnon December 15, 2007 at 7:41 pm

Great article, and Blog! I found you doing some research and looking for some very good blogs that are dealing with relationships and marriage, but especially all the aspects of divorce… Because, I believe that it has and will always be a factor of communication that is the key to any good relationship and that the lack of it, is where the trouble starts for every marriage… Whether it be money, alcohol and drugs, adultery, pornography or and abuse in every form of mental, spiritual, and yes physical will all lead back to one thing, and that is no real communication, especially after reading this post it reminds me how important it really is…Keep up the good work on all of our behalf’s. Thank you, Howard M.

Deep thinker November 28, 2007 at 10:04 am

Here is the thing I have been in a relationship for about 6 months this is the first girl I have felt real “love” with. The problems that have been occuring are big ones.

Where I stand now, We live together and it is starting to feel like I have a roommate and not a girlfriend anymore not only that but sex is tossed out the window sometimes we go as lon as two weeks with out sex and then I have to do everything I can just to get some, she is not into physical affection at all and I have been trying to get her to adjust to the simple goodbye hello kisses but she does not see the need she also does not see the need to remind me she loves me and has feelings for me ever I am just to assume that which is fine if she is doing everything right, the problem is she hasnt hell she even cheated on me with her Ex-boyfriend and told me the only reason she went over that night is because she doubted our relationship, she never told me this hell she did not even lead on to the fact the she was doubting it then she comes home tells me what happend and said now I realioze I really do love you blah blah blah. Well why does she get to go out and test waters I feel like this is horrible unfair. I also think there is nothing wrong with asking for some extra I love being with you and this is a good relationship. every once in awhile and if he asks just tell him and he will eventually get the hint that you do love him/her and will quite asking.

Tyler Durden October 10, 2007 at 7:08 am

I was in total agreement with the article, until I read this:

“If this doesn’t work, you may have to let him go, as constantly reassuring someone of your faithfulness and love, especially when you are doing nothing wrong, is impossible to do without resentment.”

Why is it so wrong to ask for regular reassurances that you are loved? And how is that such a difficult thing to ask someone to do? Seems like, uh, the least someone can do for their partner. And I don’t think it is at all too much to ask of a human. Didn’t John Lennon say all you need is love? Some of these posts I read and think that love is a commodity that is only to be doled out sparingly, or rationed out to a person because they only deserve so much of it. Character flaws are one thing, but hell who isn’t insecure in this world and day? Nuclear bombs and chemical warfare… shit all us insecure people are asking for is an extra hug once in a while, lol.

Problem is nobody appreciates the little things they have and insecurities are magnified when a person feels that they are being taken for granted. Like they say it’s the little things. If your partner is asking for more attention, then do some more little things. It’s not going tokill you to be nicer. Heck it’s the basic foundation and single most important tenent of every single well known religion on Earth: Love one another. When in doubt, love them harder.

Bar Advice October 7, 2007 at 4:04 pm

When you live in a society that wants you to have “everything” and provide it all for you and your family yet it’s too hard to do and you come out short, we seek the comfort of the one’s we partner with.

We take things out on them. We accuse them of our shortcomings. We make them the ones who cause the problems in the relationship because we want the reassurance of love. No betrayal. The whole world will fall apart if they can’t recieve their dose of it.The love coach is doing a great job but I too wanted to add my thoughts.

joey August 21, 2007 at 8:53 pm

im only 17 and i am very insecure…and i always make my gf think im mad…and i only do it to get attention i think…i dont know…i wrote this when i was mad “everything happens ffor a reaons…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reson…everything happens for a reason…everythinhg happens for a rerson…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everything happens for a reason…everythinhg happens for a reson…everything happens for a reason…everytihng happens for a reason…why i dont know who made it that way…god?…buda?…the earth no one knows…i sure as hell dont know…but its true…it really does…i know that everything i do happens for a reson…but most of the time its just bad…my life is like a movie…something amazing happens one day…and the then the next day…catastrophy…why?…again…no one knows…this is all new to me…i have never been in a serious relationship for this long…does she know how much she meens to me?…i dont know….do i know how much i mee to her…do i?…i dont know that either…am i wrighting this so that away she will read it…am i wrighting this for attention?…i dont fucking know…its a way to vent….i can hear her down stairs…laughing and stuff…why do i have to still have a bad attitude…honeslty i was only trying to give her a massage…but again…something i was trying to do nice turned into something bad…haha i try and get alot of pitty.huh? she always thinks something is wrong…when its not…you know it…i know sometimes i am only trying to get attention…i used ti lie alot to get attention…i dated so may girls and i only did it for attention…yeah i was a “player” of sorts….but did i feel good…no…i felty insecure…just like i always do…why…is it because of my mom?…probably!….i dont know…is it because i was kidnapped…i dont know….but what i do know is that i need to chill the fuck out…and just let shit go…if i wouldnt look so far into shit…it wouldnt seem so bad…but i make things ouit to be worse than they are…yup…thats me!…..well all i know is that i love her and if i keep fucking up im gonna lose her…so stop!” and i dont know does any one have any advice for me?

Alex August 14, 2007 at 7:32 pm

I would actually give this advice. Just an add-on to Rinatta Paries’s advice.

People hardly or even never change. If you love him, you need to accept that part of him. Some people enjoy their boyfriend to be jealous for them and some doesn’t.

Either way is your choice. When you start to be with anyone, you will notice everyone have their own problem. There are very few couples who love each other until their 60s.

These couples didn’t really survive through their relationships but actually enjoy it. They have different habits and personalities too. The only difference: Accept!

When you accept people, you can start to love them. You will not be upset about who they are and you enjoy being with them.

Amanda July 31, 2007 at 8:37 pm

Hi. My fiance and I keep having all of these little arguments here and there. I feel like i’m doing my part, but every time I talk to a friend I haven’t talked to in 6 months, he gives me a big lecture of “I don’t like him, I think he wants to sleep with you, that’s why he’s always hanging out with girls” But i’ve been friends with this guy for 4 years! Other than that, my fiance always lectures me and tells me not to go any farther and to stop “it” before it starts. He keeps telling me he loves me and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and then he goes back and threatens our relationship over me talking to my guy friend. Yea, i know he has had a bad relationship in high school, and I keep reminding him that i’m not her. But, I don’t know what to do any more. I remind him that i Love him, we’re GREAT together, we always laugh and we get along, but every once in a while he gets really insecure about me talking to my guy friends, and he keeps warning me about the work force of guys wanting to hook up with me when I’m married. I keep reminding him that i’m not going to leave him and I know when to stop. Then he says, “I trust you Amanda! it’s just that I don’t trust him and blah blah blah.” What else could I do to help him stop being so insecure, and let him know that our relationship is going to work out? Please help!

LEXIS July 3, 2007 at 11:03 am

I NEED HELP!MY RELATIONSHIP SEEMS TO BE GOING NO WHERE.I’VE BEEN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP FOR ALMOST 7 MONTHS!IN THE BEGGING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AROUND THE SECOND MONTH I TOLD MY “X” I LOVED HIM,HE SAID IT TO ME AND I SAID IT BACC JUST TO BOOST HIS HEAD UP I REALLY DIDNT MEAN IT AND I DIDNT MEAN TO. MY PARTNER FOUND OUT AND I LIED TO HIM ABOUT IT AND HE KNEW I WAS LYIN SO WE BROKE UP FOR LIKE 2 HOURS AND WE GOT BACC TOGETHER.SINCE THEN HE ALWAYS THINKS IM LYIN AND CHEATING ON HIM.I DO HAVE A PASSED ABOUT CHEATIN ON MY BOYFRIENDS,BUT ITS DIFFERENT THIS TIME “IM IN LOVE WITH HIM” IM FIRST TRUE LOVE.AND IM NOT GOING TO DO THAT TO HIM.I’VE TRIED TO MAKE IT UP AND PROVE TO HIM IM SORRY AND IM REALLY NOT CHEATIN ON HIM,HE’S THE ONLY ONE FOR ME AND THE ONLY ONE I WANT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. HE TELLS ME HE WANT TO BE WIT ME FOREVA AND GET MARRIED AND HAVE KIDS AND ALL THAT BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO BE ABLE TO HAVE A FUTURE WITH ALL THAT IF HE CANT FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I DID AND TRY TO TRUST ME AGAIN.PEOPLE SAY IF U DONT HAVE TRUST YOU DONT HAVE NOTHING WELL IM PROVING THEM WRONG IN A BAD WAY I GUESS?LOL?CUZ HE DOSENT TRUST ME BUT WERE STILL TOGETHER AFTER 5 MONTHS SINCE THAT HAPPENED.I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET HIM TO TRUST ME AGAIN AND FOR HIM TO STOP THINKING IM CHEATING ON HIM.I NEED HELP WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP AND NOTHING SO FAR IS WORKIN,BUT YET WE STILL MANAGE TO BE IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER AND STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.BUT SHIT NEEDS TO CHANGE I NEED HELP TO FIX IT ANY IDEAS?I WOULD HIGHLY APPRECIATE IT!

DAiSY July 3, 2007 at 10:31 am

I HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BOYFRIEND FOR ABOUT A YEAR NOW, BUT WE HAVE STAYED TOGETHER WITHOUT ANY BREAK UPS FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS NOW. THE PREVIOUS BOYFRIEND THAT I HAD BEFORE HIM TREATED ME VERY BADLY AND CHEATED ON ME MORE THAN ONCE. I WAS DEEPLY HURT AND DID NOT BELIEVE THAT I COULD EVEN LOVE AGAIN, UNTIL I FOUND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, WHOM I AM CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP AT THE MOMENT. SOMETIMES AROUND SEPTEMEBER OF 2006 I MOVED BACK TO GEORGIA AND WE HAD BROKEN UP. DURING MY TIME STAYING THERE MY BOYFRIEND GOT ENGAGED TO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER FEMALE AND THEY HAD FALLEN INLOVE. I MOVED BACK TO MY RESIDENCE NOW IN JANUARY OF 2007 AND HIS GIRLFRIEND THAT HE HAD WHEN I MOVED , MOVED TO PHILLY IN FEB. OF 2007. ME AND HIM ARE NOW ENGAGED IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS DOING VERY WELL. HOWEVER I AM VERY INSECURE WHEN IT COMES TO HIM AND HIS EX GIRLFRIEND TALKING, KNOWING THE HISTORY THAT THEY HAD TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH HE AND I WERE ENGAGED IN A RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HAND. SOMETIMES WHEN HE IS AROUND FEMALES I FIND MYSELF ASKING HIM A MILLION QUESTIONS ABOUT THE PERSON THAT HE WAS TALKING TO OR I WILL GET EXTREMELY QUIET. HE SAID THAT HE IS USED TO ME ACTING THIS WAY ALTHOUGH I AM VERY FRIGHTENED THAT HE WILL LEAVE ME SOMEDAY BECAUSE OF MY INSECURITY. HE IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE AND I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE HIM. PLEASE HELP ME AND TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO.

Karen April 9, 2007 at 1:49 pm

I’m sure this is difficult to get over, but I am in a relationship now where HE is VERY insecure about everything; our relationship, me, and ultimately himself.

I am ending the relationship tonight because of the fact that it hurts ME to constantly be questioned. It makes me feel like I’m slacking in departments that I’m doing just fine in, and ultimately has contributed to very tiny little arguments that turn into huge screaming matches. I know it’s hard to get over insecurity (I had to at one point) but just keep in mind that if you are insecure about your relationship, you are bringing the relationship down and it could eventually end in…well…it could eventually end!

One thing that so many people I know fail to realize is that if two people are in a relationship, there are usually some strong mutual feelings, and questioning your partner’s feelings makes them feel like they’re not doing enough, and it eventually can frustrate them to the point of breakup.

Natasha January 25, 2007 at 12:40 pm

I am having the same problem in my long-term relationship with a three hour distance between us. We took a break and got back together over the winter break, but I find myself not as secure as I thought I would feel just knowing we are together. I try to avoid sounding insecure but often end up calling & asking the same questions about if he’s happy with me and I constantly think about it. I’m seeing a therapist and I really hope I can overcome this insecurity but if you have any feedback or suggestions, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

David Brown December 28, 2006 at 4:13 am

I am 20 years old, and I am very insecure in my relationship. I have had my heart broken by the relationship before my girlfriend that I have now. I always find stupid little things to second guess myself about her like: whether I will come up short in bed with her or she might leave me for another man. I don’t know what to do or how to get over my insecurities because I really like this girl, and I want it to work out because I don’t want to do something to her that I will regret. Will you please help me?

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