Q: RR asks:
I have started a romantic relationship with my next-door neighbor. We are very fond of each other. We were friends a couple of months before we started kissing. Now we are getting close to having sex. I am completely love-sick. I was so confident, but now that I have feelings for her, I feel insecure. I know we could have a great relationship. How can I get past this insecure feeling and let this relationship flourish?
A: Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries answers:
RR, the feeling of insecurity comes from over-investing in how your relationship partner perceives you. In other words, what the woman you are dating thinks about you has become too important to you.
The other possible explanation for the feeling of insecurity is that you are spending too much time with her. Often in relationships people tend to get too close and do not give each other enough space. As a result they begin to feel lost.
That’s what the feeling of insecurity is telling you — you are losing yourself.
To get over the feeling of insecurity you need to return to yourself. You need to always remember to keep a balance between returning to yourself on a regular basis, while also investing in the relationship.
Here’s how to return to yourself:
1. Spend time away from her on a regular basis, focusing on what’s important to you. Make sure that during that time you force yourself to focus on what you are doing or whom you are with, instead of thinking about her.
2. Spend time with guy friends weekly. This is very good for men in general, and will return you right back to who you are, diminishing the feelings of insecurity.
3. Make sure that you are pursuing things in your life that matter to you, such as career goals or hobbies. Investing time and energy in what’s important to you will return you back to yourself.
Do be sure to tell her very gently that the time away from her does not mean anything about her or the relationship. Tell her you need time and space to tend to yourself. Make sure she knows you are not abandoning her.
Also be sure that you do not give in to the longing to be together during the time you decided to devote to yourself. Put the longing in the background and focus on you.
If you able to do this, you will restore yourself, which will return your confidence and allow you to be in love without being love-sick.
Related Resource: Singles and Dating Coaching. Are you feeling love-sick or obsessed with another person? That is a dangerous place from which to have a relationship and usually leads to a breakup. Work with me as your coach and let me teach you how to be in a relationship while being calm and grounded. Start with a 30-min. introductory Get Clarity Session.