This week in my coaching sessions with clients we have been discussing what a good relationship looks like and if good relationships actually exist.
This is not a new topic, but is instead one of the most important conversations I have with single and newly single clients. These men and women are either frustrated with being single far too long for their liking, or have just come out of breakup or a divorce.
They are typically facing two important issues:
1. They don’t see many, or any, happy relationships around them, which makes them wonder if happiness in a relationship is even possible
2. They don’t believe they will ever meet the right person for them
What I tell my clients in response is this:
Happy long-term relationships do exist and are possible, although currently they only comprise at best 12% of all romantic relationships. To prove to yourself that they are possible, look at all the couples you know. About 1 in 10 couples you know is going to be in a happy relationship.
This does not mean that the odds of having a happy relationship are against you. Having a happy relationship is not a chance or luck-based experience. In fact, you can predict whether you will have a happy relationship or a problematic one by the state you are in when you meet your partner and how you go about forming the relationship.
You are likely to have a relationship that has problems if you:
1. Look for a new partner without having understood what led to the end of your last relationship
2. Feel desperate to find a partner in order to feel okay, happy, and/or fulfilled
3. Base your partner choices on attraction and chemistry alone
4. Do what feels natural in the process of building a relationship
5. Get into the relationship too quickly
You can virtually guarantee that you will have a happy, long-term relationship if you:
1. Examine why your past relationships did not work and change/heal the patterns that lead to relationship dysfunction
2. Learn solid relationships skills and solid self-care skills
3. Understand how relationships develop over time
4. Go about finding a partner who is right for you in a conscious way
5. Take your time in the relationship building process
6. Understand that feelings and issues will come up for you in the process of building a relationship and have a supportive, knowledgeable resource for working through these
What about the second issue, the one of believing that if you are currently single you might remain single for the rest of your life, never meeting the right partner?
Interestingly, I regularly help clients who did not think they would ever meet their right partner attract a great partner and create a happy relationship. How do I do this?
By taking my clients through the steps that guarantee they are able to create a healthy relationship (see above) their anxiety about relationships is greatly reduced. It is this deep-seeded, often unconscious, anxiety that keeps people out of relationships. With less anxiety men and women are able to allow themselves to open up and naturally attract their right partner.
If you are wondering if happy, long-terms relationships exist and if you will ever have a good one of your own, the answer is yes, if you are willing to do the work to make that kind of relationship a reality in your life.
[stextbox id=”red_box”]I can help. You can get started on the path to creating the kind of relationship you want in a 30-minute Get Clarity Session. In this session I will work with you to help you clarify what has been going on your past or current relationship(s) and what you can do to move yourself towards the kind of a relationship you envision for yourself.[/stextbox]