You and I both know that relationships are important.
When the experience of a relationship does not match your desire, this can be upsetting, frustrating, or even down-right depressing. And of course when you’re upset about something significant, you have a lot of feelings about it.
The significance coupled with all these emotions can make the topic of dating or your relationship feel very heavy, and that’s where trouble begins.
The heavier and more significant something is in your life, the more stuck it is likely to become in the state it is in. The more feelings you have about how something is, the more likely you are to get entrenched in exactly how it is.
This is the opposite of how we think about issues that bother us. We think that if we get very upset about something, the force of our discontent is likely to create change. In reality, the more upset you get, the more important something becomes to you, and the more likely you are to see no change in it.
The solution is counter-intuitive but highly effective. In order to change something about the most important aspect of your relationship life, you have to let go of its weight. You have to hold it lightly.
For example, I was recently coaching a client on talking to her partner about something she wants him to do more of in the relationship. In the past her conversations about the topic were heavy and loaded with criticisms of him, as she had a lot of feelings about it.
My coaching to her was to bring no negative emotions to the table. Rather to gently and with compassion ask him where he stands. She is then to use a few words to express what she would like. In other words, to hold what she wants and ask for it lightly.
Here’s another example from a recent coaching session with a single client. Many singles who want a relationship focus narrowly on online dating. Their thinking is that online dating is likely to yield fast results and deliver them the relationship they so very much want. Yet, in most cases, this kind of heavy, and dare I say, desperate focus creates no results and only frustration.
Instead I coached my client to get out more and participate in live events. I coached him to speak to people at the events not only to target potential dating partners, but to simply connect and expand his community. This is because the larger his community, the more chances he will have of connecting with the right person for him, either by meeting her himself, or by being introduced to her through someone he knows.
In other words, I coached him hold his goal of meeting the right mate more lightly, and instead focus on building community.
To hold something important lightly can be difficult to do. However, if you remember that the tighter you hold on, the more stuck it becomes, you may have an easier time letting go.
One effective way to hold something important lightly is to focus intently on something else in your life, without completely letting go of the first goal.
For example, in the case of the first client, I have coached her to focus on at least one way her partner already treats her the way she wants, daily. In the case of the second client, we shifted his focus to building a community.
Reducing the weight you put on something reduces its stickiness in your life. The Key is to hold your relationship desires in a way that allows them to move, grow, and become more of what you want.
If you are stuck in not getting what you want – whether it is meeting the right partner or changing something in your relationship – and would like to see these changes come to pass, work with me in a Get Clarity Coaching Session.
In this 30-minute telephone or in person session I will help you see what keeps the issue or situation stuck and how to get it to move and change.
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