Communication is Not the Problem

by Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries on July 21, 2013

in Dating, Heartbreak, Marriage, Men's Help, Singles, Women's Help

When men and women struggle in relationships, communication tends to be to blame. “We just don’t communicate well” is what one or the other person will say to explain the relationship trouble.

However, communication is not the problem in most relationships, it just seems that way.

Here’s what is actually going on when the couple experiences “not communicating well”:

  • Reactivity and fighting – it’s not that the partners don’t communicate well, but rather that they are reactive to each other. This is a temper and impulse control problem.
  • Not hearing each other or stone walling – one or both don’t want to hear the other. This is not a communication problem, but rather a power dynamic in the relationship.
  • Not seeing issues in the same way – the partners in the couple have different views on what happened in the past, what should happen in the future, or around a particular topic.

Once you know the problem, you can more clearly see solutions, even if they might be difficult to implement:

Problem: Reactivity and fighting
Solution: Contain your reaction no matter what. Do not yell, fight, curse or lose your temper. You can control yourself, no matter what you feel. If your partner is reactive, remove yourself as soon as it starts. Come back when all is calm.

Problem: Not hearing each other or stone walling
Solution: Become willing to hear if you are the one stone walling. If you don’t, your relationship will only get worst. If you are being stone-walled, stop trying to break through, as it is not going to work. Let them come to you when they’re ready.

Problem: Not seeing the issues in the same way
Solution: Seek to understand, accept and please each other, instead of fighting to convince the other of whose view is the right one.

In fact, it is not good communication at all, but this last solution that is THE magic formula to creating THE loving, fulfilling and close relationship you want: Seek to understand, accept, and please each other.

What would be the quality of your relationship, if both your and your partner’s goal was to understand, accept and please each other?

To be sure, these are not easy things to do, as all this requires work on both of your parts. Yet, this is a very important reorientation to make in your relationship if you want a relationship that makes you truly happy.

When you seek to understand, accept and please each other, you will be giving yourself and your partner exactly what men and women most want in romantic and intimate relationships: understanding, acceptance and love. Giving this to each other is how you can overcome any relationship issues you struggle with, regardless of whether they are communication-based or not.

I provide coaching to clients so that men and women who want a loving relationship have help in creating such a relationship.

[stextbox id=”red_box”]If a loving, healthy, wonderful relationship is what you are after, come work with me as your coach in a Get Clarity 30-minute coaching session. You will start creating THE relationship you want in your very first coaching session![/stextbox]



photo credit: Ed Yourdon via photopin cc

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