Nine out of ten couples that seek coaching from me end up saving their relationship or marriage. What’s more, both people in the couple typically end up feeling happy and excited about being together.
To help your relationship – whether it’s brand new, years long, or something in between – I am going to share with you the 5 hidden secrets to relationship recovery. These secrets set the stage for the couple to start to value each other, which gets them moving in the right direction for a healthy, happy relationship.
5 Hidden Secrets to Relationship Recovery
Secret #1: Every complaint is valid.
Couples tend to dismiss each other’s complaints as annoying or worse, as demands. Instead complaints should be viewed as important needs that are not being fulfilled.
If your partner is complaining about the relationship, listen and figure out how to give him or her what is being asked for. If you are the one complaining, notice what you are complaining about and see if you can ask for it in a different way.
Secret #2: Say “yes” to each other, so that you both get more of what you want.
Men and women in relationships will often say “no” to requests to prove a point, assert their independence, or to make sure they are not ruled by their partner. The thing to know is that if a request is made it is likely important.
Saying “yes” more often does not mean your partner owns you. It does mean that you are more likely to get a “yes” yourself and both of you are more likely to be happy with each other.
Secret #3: The one who wants more of something should typically win.
The person who wants less of something can more easily stretch than the person who wants more of something can do without.
For example, if you are thirsty, you will have a hard time going without water. But if you are not thirsty, you could still have a drink of water and be ok.
It’s the same with things people want in relationships. More quality time together, more physical affection, more attention, more consideration, more compliments, etc. is easier to give for the person who needs to do the giving, than it is to go without for the person who is wanting more.
The person who gives more gets to stretch and grow as a result, which is a bonus point in terms of maturing emotionally.
Secret #4: Time together means time without electronics, TV, phone or any other distractions.
Time spent together sitting on a couch staring at a TV, on a bed staring at your separate devices, or at the dinner table with everyone’s head stuck in their phone is not time spent together. You may be in the same physical location, but there’s no togetherness happening. Do not count this as time together at all.
Even 30 minutes of true together time, where you see and hear each other, are in close enough proximity to be able to touch, and are talking or doing something enjoyable, can be very healing and connecting for a couple.
Secret #5: Time apart is as important as time together.
Couples need quality time apart from each other. This time apart can be spent with friends, family, or on their own. Time at work or doing errands does not count as time apart, as it is not quality time that the person is spending away from the partner.
The amount of time apart varies from couple to couple. Some couples only need one day apart a week while other couples take as much as 3 or 4 days apart.
This apart time is something a couple has to negotiate together, which is tricky, because both people need more in this situation. One partner may need more time apart while the other may need more time together. The conversations to resolve this issue need to be done thoughtfully and carefully.
These 5 secrets are not the only reasons that the couples I work with are able to recover their relationships. The couples in my coaching practice do powerful work to recover their love and connection. These 5 secrets create a positive background of mutual appreciation and respect that is conducive to relationship recovery.
To understand more of what your relationship needs to recover the love and connection between the two of you, and how to do it, schedule a Get Clarity Coaching Session today.